


When We Were Boys

by MyTenderMadness



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Character Death, M/M, Magic, Sexual Content, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 02:28:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2049915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyTenderMadness/pseuds/MyTenderMadness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After many years of abstence from home, Kaidan Alenko finally decided to return to his birth city to take on his responsibility towards his noble family. What originally planned as his first step into a mature future turned upside down for him, when his long lost lover John Shepard showed up at the harvest festival. Caught between desire and duty, Kaidan must prove if he's strong enough to chose the right path.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> My contribution to the Mass Effect Big Bang 2014
> 
> Artwork and Fanmix by Avolai  
> http://8tracks.com/quildeya/it-s-raining-outside-and-i-m-sleepy

  


  


  


The ship sailed into the sapphire bay in the morning and Kaidan narrowed his eyes in the sunlight. The water was clear and turned from the deep blue of the sea into the color of the gem. The waves turned calmly and the sun rise with the golden reflection filled his heart with anticipation of home. The captain of the big merchant galley approached him from behind and bowed until his turned around without speaking a word.

“M'lord,” he said with a humble voice. “We’re going to dock soon, maybe your highness wants to refresh before going ashore?”

Kaidan nodded and thanked the captain for his service of the last three days; the old men bowed again and walked away silently. Then he looked at the gigantic harbor in the short distance; the crown jewel of Elysium. A monstrous big construction of indestructible strength opened wide its three hundred feet wide gate to welcome any ship approaching; welcoming them to sell their goods, trade and bring honorable guests to the land where the trees were forever green. With the harvest festival knocking on the countries door, several dozen merchants and noble ships lined up before the harbor, waiting to dock and when his ship raised the imperial banners from the Capitol Island, other ships made place for them to enter first.

In Kaidan’s memory the walls were taller and the pears longer. It had been five years since he last spotted the black granite wall of the city, surrounding this metropolis of wealth and history. Legends said, the city was founded by the Maiden herself eons ago, when she set foot on this land and fell in love with its beauty. But it was the first Lord of his house, the first Lord Lucien Alenko who built the wall around this land and set the first stone of the castle.

He looked over the harbor wall to the castle hundred feet over the city, carved into the mountain in the east and looked down on the city as its guardian and protector. The black stone of the city shimmered in the zenith sun and tossed back the light on its smooth surface. Banners of his house, one silver burning tree on dark blue ground hang from each five tower of the fortress and waved in the late autumn wind.

The ship stopped eventually and Kaidan, which his bag on his shoulder and his spear on his back set foot in his home city again. He paid the captain for his service and before the captain’s daughter could join his father’s side and tossed him a longing glance again, he quickly turned away and walked down the pier.

With slow steps he hardly pushed himself through the crowd at the docks; unloading ships, exposing their goods or body for sale, or waiting for distant relatives for the festival. His attempt not to attract too much attention failed when the first started to whisper when he passed by. _How foolish of me!_ He thought when he realized how eyes starred at the silver crest on his chest and the distinctive cloth of a mage he was wearing.

His robe of blue velvet had already faded by weathering; the once dark blue had long lost its shine and color. But regarding all the old and worn out cloth the silver tree shined still bright on his hard leather west. The left sleeve of his cotton shirt had been cut away so the ink of the citadel on his left arm was visible to all. Metal pauldron protected his right shoulder and arm, with a sword on his belt and a six feet long spear on his back, he looked ready for battle. Kaidan signed silently and cursed himself of not thinking of that. _Do I really expect to submerge with the crowd in my battle garment?_ Kaidan wanted to pretend he didn’t notice the people surrounding him, looking up to him with admiration and some carefully reaching out their hands to touch him.

He walked forward with his eyes sunken to the ground. An old woman suddenly blocked his way and held something in her arm towards Kaidan. “Please, m'lord!” She begged with tears in her eyes. “Bless my grandson! Please, Holy Spirit! Please bless us, please!” She started crying and fell on her knees. Following her example one after another surrounded expecting around Kaidan and either they held something in his face or they touched him.

“Holy spirit!” they begged. “Bless us! Bless us!”

Kaidan stepped backwards until he bumped into people behind him. Strangers touched his face; they stroke his body and held his hands. He looked around and saw more people strolling towards him. Suddenly the cramp crowd made him nervous. He tried to calm down the crowd, making promise to protect them and placing kisses of on their forehead before some of them retreat in easing tears.

“Away! Away with you!” A man shouted with deep voice followed by other orders.

The crowd around him looked around for the speaker. When they saw the five full armored men they quickly walked behind Kaidan for him to face the men.

“Are these men and women bothering you, my lord?” The obvious commander of the troop asked and stepped forward.

“Not much, captain.” Kaidan replied friendly. “Just common people seeking blessing.”

The guard tossed some strict glances to the dozen people behind Kaidan. It must be his weapon and armor that scared them, slowly the crowd carefully walked away from him, leaving him alone with the guard.

“Apologies, my lord.” The guard started after shooed away the last watching boy. “I’m not aware of the lordship arriving today. We’ve been informed of your coming.” He eyes fell on the silver tree on his chest.

Kaidan followed his eyes. “And I thought my request for a quiet homecoming would be respected.”

“Well, my lord. If we’ve known we would have sent for an escort, but it’s still not too late, my we escort you to the castle and prevent any disorder?”

“There is no need.” Kaidan pulled out a thin cloak from his bag and tossed it over his shoulders, covering his mark on the arm and his sword. “I’ll find my way.”

“Why the hurry, my lord?” A man’s voice not unfamiliar to him called behind him.

Kaidan turned around and looked directly into the face of the castellan of Castle Alenko. “Sir Edward,” Kaidan couldn’t hide his joy to see the old knight. He let his bag fall to his feet and embraced the old man.

Sir Edward had a head full of dark brown hair when he left; now the knight had grey side on his head and the color of his once shiny hair had vanished. His face seemed to be conquered by time but in the deep wrinkles laid the same hospitality. “The proud prince had returned,” the knight looked at Kaidan with a warm father-like smile and clapped on his shoulder. “And he’s about to escape his royal escort.”

By his word, a young boy by the knight’s side started to clear the road for them and when the crowed opened, Kaidan saw six other men with the banner of his house on horseback, waiting for him. “How foolish I was with the thought of escaping you.” Kaidan smiled and picked up his bag. But immediately another stall boy rushed to his side and took it for him.

“How did you know I’ll be back today?” Kaidan mounted a black horse Sir Edward brought for him and followed the procession.

“We don’t.” The knight let the stall boy help him on his horse and rode at Kaidan’s side. “After we received your last letter, we’re been waiting for you for days.” He took the waterskin and offered it Kaidan. “Your mother was so eager to see you like a maiden before her wedding. She sends out scouts since the last week in order to give you a proper welcome.”

“Well, I thought, for once mother would do what I asked for. She knows I don’t value the luxury of an easy travel, still she insists on a royal escort.” Kaidan returned the waterskin after drinking. The clear water of Elysium from the spring in the mountains tasted sweet and clear, unlike the water he had in the last few days.

“You must forgive her. She’s a mother and she hadn’t seen her son for half a decade.” The knight said laughing.

Kaidan sighed and turned for the knight. “You know as well as I do, she’s not eager to see me but the next Alenko mage.”

“It’s not my position to tell, but yes, your value to the House is more than just being a son. Mages are vanishing from the sight of earth and having a one, especially a young one means power. It’s much needed in this time.” The old knight nodded, more for himself.

“Aye,” Kaidan responded. He remained silence a while before speaking again. “Mages are vanishing, our fire is fading. The magic the holy spirits once grant us is shrinking within the line of men.”

“Some say it’s because of the peace we’re living in.” Sir Edward grunted. “They say the champions of the gods are not needed anymore.”

“Right, we are relict of ancient time, mastered in an old art for decades to stand guard in peace time.” Kaidan mocked. “Nothing but figures in a game of power. Then I rather wish back the time of the dark sorcerers, where we actually fought for good but fame.”

“My lord! The legend must be honored.” Sir Edward looked at Kaidan sharp. “Have you forgotten the days when the Family Alenko couldn’t present a new mage? The fire had burned out in the line of Alenkos, people mocked over us. It was your uncle Edward Alenko who restored order and paid with his life. And thank the gods when you exalted. If you don’t respect it, we common people still do. For the fire burning in you is still a mystery to us; for the fire burning in you protect us one day.”

Kaidan laughed. “The knight had turned into a poet.” The knight gave him a sour look. “Sir Edward, I didn’t intent to disrespect the gift I have. If only the power coming with the fire is a shield. Remember Sir Edward, fire can warm you but also burn you into ashes.”

After he finished an awkward silence grew between them. Sir Edward looked at Kaidan like stranger and Kaidan felt the inconvenient eyes of the knight on him. _Is this fear or admiration in his eyes?_ Along the street people looked up but when he looked to meet their glance, they quickly turned their faces away. _Fear is it then._ Kaidan narrowed his eyes and signed inside.

 _Have I changed so much?_ The familiarity in the beginning vanished the more they rode into the city, and Kaidan’s other attempt to start another conversation with Sir Edward only ended in polite small talks. Kaidan gave up and rode silently until they reached the Stone Gate hours later. At the feet of the mountain slope the castle was built in hundred feet above the city, but during the years, the surrounding had been extend to the level of the city. The giant black monument of a castle resting on the slope of the mountain looked as huge as in his memories.

 _New faces, everywhere new faces._ He looked around in the courtyard. Beside of Sir Edward, who had served in the castle for decades, he barely recognized anyone of them. And just as strange as these men were to him, he was as much as a stranger to them. They showed him respect and kept their eyes on the ground, but Kaidan knew it was because they feared the mage in him and not respected the man he was.

“Did you miss these cold stones?” A woman spoke soft but clear.

Kaidan found his mother standing at the balustrade overlooking the courtyard, before the serpent stair road lead up to the castle.

“Mother.” Kaidan nodded at her and went to her feet for a kiss on his forehead. Then they embraced politely but not familiar. Kaidan placed a gentle kiss on her mother’s cheek and then they just stood there. Kaidan waited her mother to say something but Lady Alenko only starred Kaidan in the eyes.

But in the blink of an eye, her polite mask turned into the longing face of a mother and her eyes became wet. “I’m so glad you’re home.” She said with an almost weeping voice. Kaidan put his hand soft on her shoulder and stroke her arm.

Kaidan accompanied his mother back towards the castle followed of guards and maids behind them. The serpent stairs ends at a small garden every time the way made a turn so the visitors could take refreshments after the climb. Kaidan used to run down these stairs chasing and up again, several times a day but now he felt the exhaustion in his bone after making the fourth turn already.

Lady Alenko stopped when they made another turn and stood in a garden, surrounded by trees that spent lovely shade. After riding in the burning sun from the harbor to the city, it was much welcome to spent a little time under a tree. Lady Alenko ordered the maids to get them wine and snack while they pause a little under the midday’s sun.

Kaidan followed her and took his seat next to her in the center of the botanic garden and waited for the maids to go again after bringing the wine. Once the last girl disappeared out of their sight, Lady Alenko turned to Kaidan seriously. “You’ve come home in a very urgent time, Kaidan.”

“It’s good to see you, too, mother. How have you been all the years? Mine was fine, thank you for asking.” Kaidan grabbed a peach from the table and bit into its juicy flesh.

“The time is running through our hands, there is no room for banalities now.” She replied and sat straight in her chair like someone had mounted spikes of backrest of the chair.

“What’s that important it couldn’t even wait until I’ve settled in again?” Kaidan nipped on the sweet wine.

“Haven’t you read my letters?” She said agitated at the sight of Kaidan’s obvious disinterest.

Kaidan licked his fingers after he had eaten it and washed it down with wine which tasted sour suddenly. “I’ve read a few. It was so many from you.”

“It’s not the time for jokes, Kaidan.” She also poured herself a cup. “If I could leave Elysium and visit you in the Citadel, I would have taken you home personally long ago. Five years, Kaidan. You’ve turned your back on your home for five years!”

“As I recall, mother,” Kaidan tried not to raise his voice, but the sudden anger in him indeed make him tremble. “It was you who had shipped me off to the citadel in the first place. I had other plans.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. What you had wasn’t a plan but a hot headed urge. It’s expected of you to continue your training at the citadel. But I certainly didn’t expect you to stay for five straight years without any visit!” She drank more wine, now more than just a sip. “But I’m glad you’re come to your senses eventually.”

“Yes, because I promised father.” Kaidan whispered and rather studies his wineglass than look at his mother. But then he realized, maybe it was time he stop arguing with his mother so Kaidan looked up from his glass. “I have to apologize, mother, I didn’t mean to bring up those old fights. You want to talk? I’m listening. What’s so important?”

“You know what, Kaidan.” She leaned forward and grabbed Kaidan’s hand. He wanted to pull them back and urged himself not to be childish and moody so he let her do. “Your father had send words. They had set sails three days ago and when the winds are prosperous, they would be here by tomorrow night. And if not they’ll be rowing to make it on the day of the feast.”

“That’s good news, isn’t it?” Kaidan nodded. “I was afraid, he won’t make it. I heard, the tribes had found their lost courage finally and perhaps he had to stay.”

“The war is almost over. Winter is on their doorstep in the north, it would be silence until spring.” She said fast.

“Well, I guess all is settled then. Why is father’s returning making you so nervous?”

“Because your father is coming with him!” She said driven.

“Him?” Kaidan asked.

Lady Alenko let his hands go and raised a brown. “How many of my letter did you really read?” She asked and when Kaidan didn’t answer, she shook her head and continued. “The Centurion! His right hand on the battlefield! The man who had been knighted by the emperor last year! Have you been paying any attention to what is happening in the empire?”

“I remember…” Kaidan whispered. “Last year; after the summer campaign. He was the hero who climbed the red cliff to take back the Eyrie. I remember.” Kaidan sighed. “I’ve heard the wash women talk about him. It was their only subject for weeks. Well mother, I must admit; I’m also curious to meet the Centurion Shepard. They say he’s a true giant.” Kaidan put on a crooked smile and Lady Alenko rolled her eyes.

“Giant or not, you know what it means, when he brings Centurion Shepard here, don’t you?” She stood up and didn’t wait for Kaidan’s answer. “He’s bringing him here with the intentions to wed your sister to him.”

“So?”

“So? So your father is intending to give him the command of his legions? He’s about to making him Commander Shepard.” She said loud.

But Kaidan only shrugged with his shoulders. “So Ashley would can finally marry a man who can take care of himself? The last three died way too fast in battles, I barely had time to learn their names.” Kaidan drank from his wine amused. How his mother bothered with invisible threats filled him with joy he shouldn’t have. Kaidan urged himself again and stood up to calm his mother. “What’s so bad to have a good fighter protecting this family?”

She shook her head and freed herself from Kaidan’s comfort. “It’s not about protecting the family. Ashley is a wild girl with no interest in politics and what if your father names her his heir? In that case, her husband would rule instead of her until their child come of age.”

“Ashley is the first born and maybe have more interested in politics than I do. She had spent most of her live struggling with crumbled marriages and had travelled a lot. Why would it be bad to pass down the line to her?” Kaidan walked around in the garden.

“Because she’s a Williams!” She said loud and Kaidan signed. _All these old fights._

“Mother, be careful what you say!” Kaidan warned her. “She might not be your daughter, but she’s still my sister. I know you hated the house Williams, but Ashley is born as an Alenko and the first child to my father.” Kaidan looked at his mother strict. “If father want Centurion Shepard to rule, I trust his decision.”

“But it could be different, if you show your father, you’ve grown up and became a man!” She almost begged. “It could be your heir if you wed and father a son.”

“By the gods, mother. Do you want to become grandmother so badly?” Kaidan cried out annoyed.

“It’s not about me become grandmother, Kaidan, just think what might happen to us once the Centurion becomes the next Lord Alenko?” She shivered at that thought. “He could cast us away from our home if he likes. What if he wants you killed to secure his line? Do you want to beg for his hospitality and live by his mood?”

“Mother, you’re being paranoid!” He replied not worried at all, unlike his mother. “Father won’t trust such a horrible man you describe and you’ve forgotten Ash, she’ll never harm her own family.”

“You have by far more trust in your sister than I do. We have to secure our position first.” She sat down and took the wine glass. “Politics is a game, it’s about time you learn to play it.”

“I’ve no interest in this game. I’m a mage, in service of the empire. I’ll go whenever the empire needs me. I’ve no time for this game.”

She smiled mocking. “What if this empire needs you at court, whispering wise words into the emperor’s ears? What if empire needs you to rule over Elysium from the stone hall of our castle? Some wars can’t be fought with weapons; some fights need to be fought in bed rooms!”

“Mother, I know what is expected of me!” He stepped away from the tree “I’ve come home to my land to do what I must. Wherever father needs me, I’ll go; no matter if it’s the battlefield of the emperor’s council. And maybe I’ll also take a proper wife and share the bed with the royal girl. But I’ll do it for the land of Elysium and not to take away what is not meant for me!”

“It is meant for you!” She snapped. “You’re the blessed son and the gift of gods. Don’t you ever forget who we were?”

“Mother I won’t! You’ve told me that thousand times!” Kaidan acknowledged. “You were married to my uncle, the lord of Elysium, but he died in battle without consummate the marriage, so you married father after his first wife died at childbirth!” He recited it fast and annoyed.

“Exactly. Elysium is meant to be yours. You maybe got the blessed fire from your father’s blood but your divinity comes from my blood, the direct descendants of the Maiden.” She explained. Then she took Kaidan’s hand again and reached out her palm to stroke Kaidan’s face. “My divine boy, this is your country. Don’t deny your heritage.”

“I’m not!” Kaidan responded fast and stood up. He walked towards the stone railing of the garden, looking down on the city. “I know who I am, mother. If father expect me to take over for him, I will but if he trust a centurion more than his son, it’s my place to accept his decision and so should you.”

“Do you think some centurion your father found somewhere one that piece of rock they call the Eyrie would be suited for the Lord of Elysium?”

Kaidan didn’t answer. He had asked himself the question before. Mother told him he would be equal as gods and father never showed much appreciation to his gift. The fact, Kaidan was one of the rare mages alive didn’t impress Lord Alenko at all. Kaidan thought of the few times when father visited him in the Citadel when he was called to the Capitol. He stood along with other lords and ladies and watched with his dark and cold eyes how he tossed fire in the courtyard and how he performed with his spear. He didn’t show any admiration and nor did he speak of any encouraging words. Kaidan thought he even saw sadness in his eyes when he turned away. But nerveless Lord Alenko came again and again to watch him. And the last time, his father gave him a kiss on the forehead and asked him to come home this year.

What if he had found another soldier he could love as a son? A son he had wished? Someone able to fight at his side; someone who could talk with him about strategy and tactics. Kaidan thought of this Centurion, maybe someone huge and strong, with a head full of golden hair, swinging a hammer just like his father in his youth. Loud and funny, talking and speaking with a manly and unshaken voice and someone who had spent years along his father’s side. The thoughts of the unknown man made him feel the cold stitch of jealousy. For his life, he had tried to win over his father’s love. But he wasn’t the soldier Lord Alenko wanted, he didn’t turn out to be the leader he needed. Kaidan had struggled to learn to fight and eventually he was good what he did, but he was never able to lift a war hammer and smash a man’s chest with one stroke. He loved books and history while his father enjoyed warfare and spent most of his life being the emperor’s general. Kaidan became the eagerly anticipated mage of his house. But the more the old masters praised him the more his father seemed disappointed. And now, his own father prefer to past his command to a stranger than his own son.

Kaidan urged himself control these feelings, but his mother’s word had seeded in his mind. He wanted to the heir suddenly. He had fought with this longing, and within a day back in Elysium, the poisonous greed had sprout.

Kaidan turned around to his mother. “Father hasn’t announced Ashley to be his official heir. He didn’t do it in the last five years and maybe he won’t do it in the next.” _I must resist._ Kaidan talked to himself. _I mustn’t take what is not mine. My power only can be used for good…_ “There is no need to be bothered.”

Lady Alenko stood up from the stone table with her wine and walked over to Kaidan waving her steps. Her golden hair shined in the sun and took the color of honey. Her bright hazel colored eyes narrowed when she walked into the light. For a woman her age she looked young. Her pale skin was like smooth ivory and she was tall for a woman and slender at her shape. Her dark blue velvet with silver webbed threads shimmered when she stopped at the stone railing. She leaned in to Kaidan and whispered. “Your father is at war, my dear.” She started. “He’s planning to wed Ashley to Sir Shepard. The signs are clear. Your father is preparing.”

“For what?” Kaidan looked at her grimly, having a faint idea about what she was going to say.

“The battlefield is a dangerous place and…” She started but Kaidan raised a hand and she remained silence.

“Don’t you dare to speak it out loud, mother?” Kaidan walked away from his mother. “What had happened to you? Since when did you become such a power-hungry wench?”

“Kaidan Alenko, don’t you dare to speak to me in this tone.” She commanded. “Your father is out playing war with a child emperor while you hide in the citadel. I was alone in Elysium and ruled as good as I could! You’ve turned your back on your home for years. Don’t you dare to tell me how I keep things running in this land! It’s about time you take on your duties!”

Kaidan breathed out. He had forgotten his manner and looked down to the ground. “I’m sorry, mother.”

The Lady of Castle Alenko signed and walked over to Kaidan. “Everything is fine, my boy.” She stroked his face. “Do as I say and everything would be fine. Twenty-three is not too late to wed and once your wife is with child, I’ll convince your father to name you the heir.”

Kaidan didn’t say anything. He let his mother stroke him although her touch on his face felt strange and he felt the need to remove her hand, but he resisted his will. He closed his eyes and waited until she took her hands away.

“You will take a bride, don’t you?” She asked.

“I know my duties, mother.” He answered. “I’ll do what is expected of me. That’s what we Alenkos do, isn’t it?”

 


	2. Into the Sapphire Bay

John knocked on the captain chamber’s door and waited for it to open. Inside he put his fist on his chest and saluted as a soldier. “My lord, you’re summoned for me?” He asked and stood in front of the table. The man in his fifties behind it looked up from a letter and upon his face, a warm smile appeared. He stood up and came around the table full of maps and scrolls.

“John,” he answered and walked for the wine. “Is everything prepared?”

“Yes, my lord. Could be more wind, but the rowers will do their work. We’re home by tomorrow.” John smiled.

The Lord handed John a cup of wine “I have something to talk to you.” He pointed him a seat. “How long have you been fighting with the men out there?” The lord said quietly and pulled a chair himself to sit in. “Three years, four years?”

“Since the 101st legion was formed five years ago, my lord.” John said, not knowing why Lord Alenko was asking that question.

“Five years…” Lord Alenko repeated his words and nodded slowly. “And how long have you been serving under my command?”

“Since the 101st legion was formed five years ago.”

“Five years and never have you disappointed me once…” Lord Alenko sipped on his wine.

John didn’t answer. He looked at his wine and then up to Lord Alenko. “It there something I need to know, my lord?”

“Indeed.” Lord Alenko pulled another map under the current one and put it on the table. The old parchment showed the map of the Mountains of Eyrie and its surrounding lands. Lord Alenko put his finger one the green country south of the mountains and stroke it softly. “I haven’t been home since the last winter. I haven’t seen my wife for ten month and I haven’t seen my son for a years. How long haven’t you been home?”

John looked down to the land in green color and said. “I haven’t been home for five years and four month, my lord.” John felt bad when he thought of his home.

“And not once did you asked me to relieve you of your duty to go home. Was it because of the duty or did you know I wouldn’t let you go.” Lord Alenko’s tone had changed from a serious man to a father tone.

“A bit of both.” John answered straight and Lord Alenko nodded.

“And do you miss our home?”

“A lot, my lord.” John signed. But he quickly changed his tone into the professional soldier he was and answered straight. “But I’ll do my duty when it’s required. I know I had to stay and fight in order to protect our country when we want to return to it one day.”

“Exactly, the duty is what you love the most, isn’t it?” Lord Alenko asked.

“Yes, my lord. Duty to my country.” John nodded.

“Good.” The lord said loud and put his cup on the table. “Your duty says you must do your best to protect your county. What if I tell you, you only can achieve it by becoming my son-in-law? I want you to take the command, so I can spend some peaceful years in Elysium’s gardens.” Lord Alenko made a pause and John swallowed. He didn’t dare to look up and waited for the Lord to continue speaking. “Have you considered my offer?”

John bit his lips and signed. He then drank the wine for courage. “Lord Alenko, I really appreciate your offer and your trust. I’m hardly the man to fit your daughter. I know she’s a lovely lady and a girl of rare beauty, but as your lordship knows, I had never been interested in girls at all.” John blushed a little and the lord laughed.

“That’s no secret you prefer men, John.” Lord Alenko seemed to be amused by John’s confession. “What I’m offering you is not only the hand of my daughter but also the command of my legions. Not a little interested in the title Commander Shepard?”

John kneeled down at Lord Alenko’s feet. “I’ll serve the family Alenko and Elysium until the day I die, but I’m afraid I’m not the right choice to be Lady Ashley’s husband.” John didn’t dare to look up. Although his lord wasn’t commanding him right now, but he knew, it could be easily turned into a command. Then he had no other choice to obey as he had sworn with an oath to do anything his Lordships asked of him. The silence in the room had been interrupted by the Lord’s steps. The man helped John on his feet and put his hands on his shoulder.

“John, you’re an honest man. Many lords would have taken the offer without hesitating just to be able to have a piece of the Elysium someday, but your heart is pure and without greed. I know you’re the right man.” The lord sat down and told John to sit again. “I know you’re answering me honestly, so John, tell me, how many women had shared the bed with you?”

John swallowed. The blood rushed in his body and he felt the heat on his face. He must been red as a pomegranate. “n…none, my lord.” John stumbled eventually.

The lord laughed with his deep voice. “How could you know then you won’t find joy with a woman?”

John didn’t answer. He just knew he won’t. He had seen women naked before and when he went to the house of joy with other soldiers, he had seen what girls were capable of. While other men had troubles to hide their risen interest, John only watched it curiously, but nothing happened. But when he saw the soft shape of a hard cock inside someone’s pants, the blood would start rushing and once proven to him; he was a pillow bitter through and through.

“John,” Lord Alenko sipped on his wine. “I wonder how someone who can be so brave on battlefield and put a sword into a man’s chest without hesitation turns out to be so afraid of what lies between the legs of a woman.” The lord giggled. “Go, boy.” He said laughing. “When we arrive, spent some time with Ashley and by the end of winter, maybe you don’t want to leave her side again.”

“Yes, my lord.” John stood up and put his wine cup on the table.

“And one more thing.” The lord stopped John before he walked out of the door. “John, I know you and my son knew each other before.”

“Yes, my lord.” John said. “I worked for the smith when Kaidan was at the Orchard.”

“Good, talk to him when you meet again. An old friend will lighten his mood. Melancholia does not suit him well.” The lord said and released John.

On deck he had to cover his eyes with his hand as the sun blinded him. It felt good to smell the sea and John enjoyed the silence when he stood at the railing. _Home_. It was something in his distant memory; along forgotten concept. For five years, they had spent in the wild, in the mountains, fighting an invisible enemy. John couldn’t remember when the last time was, he had spent in a proper house. _Elysium_. John thought of the huge city behind high stone walls. Something he was aware of but never thought to return so soon. The time before he become a soldier felt like a different life in his mind, a withering past that’s about to be forgotten forever.

He thought of the boy he was when he left home. He had no money, no weapon and not even did he bring his cloth with him. He was nobody, a poor orphan with no learned profession and without a name, but dried tears on his face when he entered the enlisting tent. He closed his eyes and tried to picture himself now from a distance. He had won a title, a house and even land. It seemed unreal how much he had achieved. John closed his eyes and sent a prayer of thanks to the Warrior, for giving his arm strength and filling his heart with courage.

And maybe when he returns in this winter, things would change for him. He thought again about Lord Alenko’s offer. Ashley. He had seen her few times, she was older than he was and when he was still a boy, she was sent off to marry her first husband. Should he really became her fourth husband and take over the command of the legions? John’s thoughts were confused and unsorted. Once he pictured himself as the Commander of the Legion, leading ten thousand men into battle to crush the barbarian tribes. Once he pictured himself sitting in the Orchard with Ashley, drinking wine and watching their children run between the trees. And then… his thought’s jumped back in time and he thought of him.

The only person under the gods’ sight, he had ever loved. Kaidan smiled at him in the sunlight. His short curled black hair waved in the wind and the golden light reflected in his eyes. Kaidan leaned in to him and placed a tender kiss on his lips and almost like he was there, he could feel the touch on his skin. John forced himself picture how they might finally meet again, but nothing appeared before his eyes. All he could think of was what lay in the past.

“I’ve never been at sea before.” A girl said gently when she joined at his side. She leaned against the railing and let the wind wave through her hair like a lover’s fingers.

Rahna was a true beauty. Wherever she went, people couldn’t quit looking at her with opened mouth. Her graceful appearance and the intelligent eyes expressed a strange kind of sophistication, most of the low-born folk had never seen before. When she spoke, it was like a goddess flew down to the realm and places a kiss on one’s cheek. When she walked, she seemed to float. Rahna liked to dress in white, to contrast the deep black hair of hers, and most of her dresses fell on her skin like water and praised even more her gorgeous presence.

“I wonder you’re not feeling seasick.” He smirked and looked into the sun. It felt good to feel the slow waving under his feet and not the strong rattle when they were still on the river sailing through the canyon of the mountains.

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” She pointed at the sea and then looked at him.

“What?” John looked around to find something interesting he could look at. But wherever he looked, there was nothing. “I don’t see anything.”

“Exactly.” She said. “On the Eyrie, one can see miles away but wherever you see, there was something. Another peak of a mountain, another forest, smoke, trees, birds and castles. But here, there is just nothing.”

“If you say so.” John answered. “Is this the first time you leave the Mountains of Eyrie?”

“No.” She shook her head gently and closed her eyes to feel the sea wind on her skin. “I’ve been to other castles before, but it’s my first time sailing with the ships.”

“It’s my second. But last time, I was under deck before we started and only saw the daylight again when we landed on the Mountains’ shore. It’s also new for me.” He added.

“What your legions had done for my land is truly heroic. Without you, the rebels would have rolled over our land.” She added.

“And when they were finished with your land, came over your mountains, they would be heading for the green country of Elysium. What we did is just to secure our own safety.” John turned around and leaned against the railing. “It’s only the best, this way, your land stays secured and our supply for wood won’t stop and with luck, Elysium has a new vassal.”

“Forgive my sense for heroism, Centurion Shepard; I would call your dedication in this war courage than just selfish thinking.” Rahna said and John laughed.

“It’s still John for you.” John padded her shoulder. “I haven’t changed for you.”

“When I first met you, you were sixteen and just a soldier among thousands. And now look at you; a champion of the legions and knighted by the emperor himself.” She smiled. “Unbelievable isn’t it?”

“Well, I still remember the girl in the sick bay that cried in the corner because she thought she’ll never return home again.” John stoked her face.

Rahna smiled wide at him and took his hand. “I can’t thank you enough for retaking the Castle Eyrie. They should have made you a lord instead of just a knight.”

“They gave me the command of a legion and the title of the centurion. I’m grateful enough.” John nodded and scratched his back head. “So Rahna, another thing…” John changed the subject abrupt because he didn’t know how to do it properly.

Rahna looked at him curios and nodded. Then John took a deep breath and scratched his head few more time before the words spread out. “You know you’re going because Lord Alenko wants you to marry his son, right?” John didn’t believe he actually had the courage to say these words loud. When he saw Rahna on her horse the day they left for Elysium, John already had the bad feeling, and listening to the talking of the servants made clear for him.

Rahna looked at him a little surprised but then fast she composed herself. “Yes, I know. But I don’t think I’ll have any chance.” She sounded sad and disappointed.

“Why not?” John asked curious when he heard her sad voice. “You and Kaidan used to be friends.” He said a little too familiar with the fact. “I’ve heard.” He quickly added.

“Yeah, we used to.” Rahna turned her head away a little.

“You’re not friends anymore?” John asked carefully.

“Well, at least I haven’t heard from him for many years.” John noticed she didn’t want to talk about it so he didn’t ask further.

He looked down on Rahna with her black hair and big brown eyes and he felt nothing but jealousy. No matter how hard he had tried to be nice to her like he had always been, but after he heard about Lord Alenko’s intention to introduce Kaidan to Rahna, he couldn’t stop to envy her. When Lord Alenko asked him to be his son no matter what, he had the faintest of hope; maybe he didn’t have to wed Ashley after all. It wasn’t common but sometimes, Lords do wed their sons so they at least could make an alliance for one life time. Although he couldn’t name any major houses, that had accepted a husband for a son, but there were no rule against it.

In his thoughts for one night, he had dreamed, maybe he could rebound with Kaidan, tell him, he had come back and maybe they could pick up where they left off; but that dream was crushed when Rahna climbed up her horse and accepted Lord Alenko’s offer.

Rahna had noticed his absence of mind and turned towards him. “John, is everything alright?”

John forced himself to smile and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine; excited maybe.”

“I can imagine. Going home after so long.” She turned around and leaned against the railing with her back. “I’m just curious. You said you come from Elysium, the city itself.”

“What with that?”

“Did you know Kaidan?” She asked and John had to swallow. “I don’t expect you to know him well, just maybe you’ve seen him few times.”

“Ehm…yeah, I used to know him briefly.” He answered hesitating… “When we were kids, we played together sometimes. But I haven’t really heard of him since I left.” He answered.

Rahna nodded smiling. “Well, I’ve heard stories about him. He’s a mage, trained at the citadel. Other ladies who had met people who had seen him praised his integrity and nobility. They say he’s hair is black as ebony and shiny as silk. He’s so fast and skilled with the spear, none of his challenger had ever reached him closer than two feet. I guess, he’ll be better than I thought.” John nodded while Rahna dreamed of his grace. “What a man, when you believe the stories.” She added.

John then suddenly had to smile. The Kaidan Rahna just described appeared in his mind. He was dressed in velvet and silk, golden chains hang around his neck and rings with amber and garnets around his fingers. A man with long hair and pointy beard; every step would rattle because of the jewelry hanging on him. When he pictured Kaidan the way he had to laugh out loud.

“What’s so funny?” Rahna asked.

“I’m just trying to think of Kaidan in fine garment and jewelry. Sitting and walking like a fine scholar, thinking and talking about life and wine at parties instead of holding swords.”

“What’s wrong with that?” She asked.

“Nothing, it’s just so different than the Kaidan I knew.”

”So how’s the Kaidan you knew?”

“Dirty, filthy, greedy and sassy.” John laughed and Rahna opened her eyes shocked. John saw it and added smiling. “A joke, my lady. Kaidan was brave and wild, not as fine as many picture him. He liked getting into troubles and also enjoyed books as much as swords.”

“I bet he had changed. I really hope he is the gentleman he was described.” Rahna said.

John agreed with her but somehow he had a hard time believing it. He knew Kaidan had gone to the citadel to study the blue flame, but would it change him so much? He didn’t know. The thought of the young mage had turned from strange pictures to a long forgotten story. The thoughts had filled him with sorrow and sadness. He looked over the open deep blue sea and his mind went back five years, when he saw the water from under deck, sailing away from the Sapphire bay.

_He remembered that late summer day, where both of them were lying on the shore of the Great Salt Lake. Kaidan had turned his face away from him. They hadn’t spoken to each other for a long time, just listening to each other’s breath. But John knew, Kaidan was crying. He wanted to turn to Kaidan and hold him in his arm, but he didn’t want to seem weak. He didn’t want the sentimentality overcome him and maybe in the end, he would even change his mind._

_He had just told Kaidan, he decided to join the legions. Lord Alenko had called out for new recruits since the rebellion in the North had been growing stronger and as Kaidan needed to go to the citadel to finish his training. And after that, he would contribute his part to secure the empire one day, but what should he do. As a smith boy and Kaidan’s trainings partner, he would not be needed after Kaidan left. He didn’t want to become a farmer or working in the smith. He wanted to be a soldier. Kaidan nodded when he finished explaining._

_Kaidan didn’t ask why John had wanted him to go to the citadel so bad, but John knew Kaidan was aware of the importance of the proper training. He didn’t try to stop him, but sad and painful gesture on his face made John’s heart twist. He told Kaidan, maybe they could meet here in the winter, when the Legion was staying out of campaigns, but Kaidan just smiled bitterly. “It would take many years before we might meet again” he said. “You know this is goodbye.”_

_John had to think of the last few days, he spent with his friend. They had loved each other so many times a day, they wouldn’t walk straight when they said goodbye. He remembered the salty taste of tears, not sure whose it was._


	3. Talking about a smith boy

Lady Alenko knocked on Kaidan’s door and when his son didn’t answer she opened it slowly. Sunken in his books, Kaidan sat at a table on the balcony and turned the pages of a foliate. The fall is almost ending and the wind had become cool. Kaidan had stayed mostly in his room the last two days since he had arrived and the unpleasant encounter with few whores Lady Alenko managed for him, Kaidan had stayed inside most of the time, reading and meditating.

“Kaidan?” She said quietly and his son put the book back on the table and stood up.

“Mother.” He greeted politely but not familiar.

“I have new robes made for you. You should choose one to wear tomorrow. The first of the guest had already arrived.” She said and gestured the tailors inside. They put the new cloths on Kaidan’s bed and started to reach one after another to Lady Alenko.

Kaidan briefly looked at the robes but showed less interest. “New robes for a harvest feast? What’s wrong with my own?”

“It’s barely made for such fine table, Kaidan.” She looked at Kaidan’s worn out fabric coat under the brown leather west. Her eyes fell from the rough pattern off the cut off sleeve on his left arm and the inked mark of the citadel mages, a fire symbol inside a circle of runes. “Everyone would expect us to look fine, we have to demonstrate our wealth and if I don’t know my son better, I would have dressed you in silk and put jewelry around your neck.”

“What’s next, mother?” Kaidan snapped. “You want me to paint myself like a whore?”

“If we can find you the best match with that, I would.” She replied, a little too sharp. Lady Alenko then breathed in and smiled. “But I guess that won’t be necessary, the name Alenko should be enough.”

“I should better present myself naked then, maybe with the Alenko sigil painted on my chest, so everyone knows what they are expecting.” Kaidan joked but Lady Alenko didn’t smile. When the tailors preparing the robes giggled, she tossed a sharp glance to command silence. Kaidan sensed the tension and added quickly before his mother took off her anger with the servants. “How many are coming to your bride show?” Kaidan asked.

“About two dozen families had announced their daughters and sons to honor you.” She smiled and reached him a robe. The velvet felt soft on his skin and the silver stiches on them looked shiny and not one thread had been broken.

“Two dozen…” Kaidan nodded acknowledged. “And sons, too?”

“Yes, three knights and two lords.” She answered.

“Would you and father favor a bound between men?” Kaidan joked and his mother twisted her mouth a little and looked up to him.

“I don’t like to see a second-born son propose for my first born, but we should keep the impression, we’re not only looking for a fertile bride.” She said and ordered his robe.

“You mean, you’re looking for a fertile bride.” Kaidan looked out of the window and didn’t pay attention to what his mother was doing. “If it is after me, I have no problem to wed a man.”

“Kaidan, we don’t talk about it.” She said and closed the buttons on the robe.

Kaidan walked in front of the mirror standing in the corner of his room and watched his reflection. The fabric felt soft and the silk inlay didn’t scratch his skin at all. But Kaidan felt strangely loose without the tight leather west around his chest. He turned around and Lady Alenko made few compliments and directed the tailors to note the changes.

Kaidan let the tailor woman stich needles into the garment while he fixed at the Lady of the castle. “Mother, you know I do prefer men sometimes.” He smirked.

“Enough.” She straightened up and stepped closer to Kaidan. “After you have put your seed into your wife, you can do whatever you want; take as many bed-warmers as you like; it’s your right to do so.”

“It’s my right to be unfaithful; this is your best suggestion for marriage?” Kaidan shook his head. “Should I wonder why I have no younger siblings?”

Lady Alenko’s face filled with anger. She forced herself to smile at Kaidan. “If you want to stay faithful to your wife, I support this virtue.” She nodded. “But if you want us to allow you to be wed to a small lord or even a landless knight, you’re forgotten who you are.”

Kaidan had to laugh. “Please mother, you’ve forgotten who I am.” Kaidan laughed loud out. “I’m not the heir of Elysium, my line does not need to be secured.”

“Kaidan!” She said sharp and her son rolled his eyes. “You promised me!”

“I promised you nothing. I said I know what my duties are and what is expected of me.” Kaidan said and stepped away from the tailor. Suddenly he had lost the desire to try on the useless cloths. “But I certainly didn’t expect you already planning out everything into details.” He started to open the buttons of the coat while keep talking. “Two dozen people for me to choose, mother? Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is?”

Lady Alenko looked at him sharp again and then turned towards the tailors. “Out! I can handle from now on.” She commanded and the servants obeyed. When the tailors left the room, she turned quickly to Kaidan again. “It won’t be that obvious if you’ve taken on this matter years ago.” She almost yelled. “You have to do something before all the best matches are off the market. Lord Gale’s daughter is extremely found of you and of great beauty.”

“I’m rather found of Lord Gale’s son, Lucien and he’s also of great beauty.” Kaidan tossed the garment on the bed and picked up his cotton shirt. “Is he coming?”

“No.” Lady Alenko answered emotionless. “I expect you to pick a lady; you know the lords and knights are not really an option.”

“I see.” Kaidan poured himself a cup to water. “The illusion of having a choice; your specialty isn’t it, mother?”

Lady Alenko ignored the mock in his voice and sat down in a chair next to the bed. “If you’re not the heir to Elysium, you can have anyone you want. But you’re not just any noble man.”

“If I’m not the heir to Elysium, I can have anyone I want?” Kaidan repeated her words. “Mother, you do realize I’m not the heir of Elysium and I still preferred a certain smith boy.”

She opened her eyes wide and gasped. “We don’t talk about him inside these walls. You’re not just any person, and you will be the heir.” She then calmed herself and folded her hands on her lap. “Miranda Lawson had arrived few hours ago. She’ll be at dinner with us tonight.”

“Miranda doesn’t interest me,” Kaidan leaned against his ebony desk. “I’ve been thinking. How things went down just the way you wanted still intrigues me. Tell me mother, what exactly happened five years ago, how did you manage it to have things done the way you wanted?”

“Let the past be the past, it’s your future that bothers me.” Lady Alenko stood up. “Let us not talk about the past.”

Kaidan smiled. _Good, mother is getting nervous_. “In the last five years, have you heard of him?”

“The cook had prepared pumpkin soup and grilled capon.” Lady Alenko said and smiled. “And I especially asked them to make the lemon cakes. I know it’s your favorite.”

Kaidan starred at her and waited for her to finish before he repeated his question. “Have you heard of him? John?”

She turned to him around, with her finger pointing at his face, with a flushed face and her lips shaking. “Don’t you dare to speak out his name?” She grunted. Then the elegant lady grabbed both of Kaidan’s arm and shook him a little, ungentle but painless. “Why can’t you forget him? He perhaps joined some mercenaries, properly dead for years. Or maybe he had sold his body like a whore! Why does it matter? Why can’t you bury your memory of him?”

“What is it after so long, you still grief about it?” Kaidan twisted his arms and freed himself from her. “I know you disliked him from the first day on, but what did he do to make you hate him so much?”

“Hate?” She sneered. “I don’t hate him. I triumphed over him. I casted him away from you with few words and now I feel satisfaction when I picture him die in the mountains, with a barbarian sword through his chest. I picture his eyes picked out by ravens and his meat ripped by wolves and some tribesman drinks met from his skull.”

Kaidan’s fingers grabbed deeper into the wood of his table and he clenched his jaw and felt his heart beating faster. He stared at Lady Alenko sinister and eventually he grunted. “Mother, be careful what you say out loud.”

Lady Alenko gasped for air. She stepped further away from Kaidan and her anger in her face turned into sadness and suddenly Lady Alenko started weeping. “It’s my fault…” She cried. “I should have sent him away long ago… he made you this way…”

“Stop it mother, it wasn’t John who made me this way.” He whispered, trying not letting his mother’s weeping affect him. “I would have turned out this way with or without him.”

“It’s him…” She was whimpering. “And me… I should have said no when your father took him with us… I should have known he was trouble…”

Kaidan couldn’t listen to his mother’s weep anymore. It sounded like all the letters she wrote him. He buried his face in his palm and stroked his temple. Then he slowly walked over to Lady Alenko and put his arm slowly, hesitating around her. “Shhh…” he whispered.

Lady Alenko quickly wiped away her tears and tried to brace herself again. “I need to take care of the welcome dinner for the Lawsons tonight.” She said fast.

“Of course, mother.” Kaidan comforted her. “I’ll join you later.”

After she left, Kaidan wanted to pick up the book he left of. He wanted to take his minds off his mother, take of John but he couldn’t help to remember what the Lady was talking about. He had asked himself few times before; would he be different if he hadn’t met John that day ten years ago?

_It was short after Kaidan turned twelve. It was a strange year, the emperor died suddenly with good health, his fourteen years old son followed him on the throne and his father had returned for the winter. Ashley had been shipped to the south to live with her fiancée and Kaidan stayed in a melancholic mood since she left. He felt lonely without his half-sister and without her, there were no one to swing the sword with him or ride across the field chasing him. The winter was hard that year so the family decided to ride to the Orchard at the Great Salt Lake. Kaidan sat in his saddle and followed the procession to the palace thirty miles south east of Elysium, where it never gets cold because of the hot springs._

_Kaidan stayed mostly for himself, watching the trees on the both side of the road. When they stopped at sunset set camp for the night, Kaidan jumped off his pony to watch the servants build the tents. He saw how the cook tossed few longing glances over to the maids and his wife hit him on the back of his head. They had been putting any kind of food on the table; huge piece of cheese, ham and mushrooms; grilled chicken and baked onions and jugs full of wine and water. Kaidan could smell the gravy and soup slowly cooking over the fire but he felt no hunger, so he sat under the tree and watched the people run around, minding their own business._

_Few farmers and travelers stopped to look at the camp they had built up and Kaidan looked at any of them carefully. Some of them asked for work and other wanted to beg for food. And among the dozen people who have gathered because of the smell of food stood a little boy. He slipped through the soldiers when they were holding back few beggars and ran for the table. He stopped behind a tree and when the cook wasn’t looking, he reached out his hand and grabbed the grilled chicken and off he ran._

_Kaidan smiled when he thought of the cook’s face when he noticed the chicken was missing. He watched the boy run and cheered for him internally and hoped for him to escape. He was as surprised as the boy when a soldier seemed to step out of nowhere and the boy bumped into him hard, letting the chicken fell into the mud._

_The soldier quickly got the situation and with his iron gauntlet he cuffed him. The boy fell to the ground, but stood up quickly. He picked up the chicken from the ground and ran again; the soldier cursed and ran after him. Kaidan jumped up from his tree and ran also after them. Behind few trees and after three tents, the solider had caught the boy and had raised his arm to cuff him again._

_This time, Kaidan didn’t think twice, he jumped on the soldier and pulled him away from the boy._

_“By the five hells!” The man grunted and dragged Kaidan over his shoulder to the ground. He wanted to raise his hand to beat him but stopped when he recognized him. In the moment, the boy had come on his feet again. He moved so fast Kaidan didn’t see exactly what he did. But in the next moment, the solider was holding his pants for them not to fall. The boy had cut through the belt on the soldier’s armor and before Kaidan could start laughing, the boy grabbed Kaidan’s hand and said. “Come with me.” He said and together they ran away from the soldier._

_They only stopped when they were way off the camp. When they looked back at the camp, they laughed. Kaidan let himself fall into the grass and rolled around. Then the boy also sat down and laughed with him, but not before he used his shirt to clean the chicken from mud._

_“How did you do it? Cutting the belt?” Kaidan asked._

_The boy showed him a tiny blade, such as a knife for cutting fruits. “It’s small but sharp.” He used it to cut off a chicken leg and handed it over to Kaidan. “I only had to cut the knot.” He smiled._

_Kaidan looked at the boy with dark hair on his head and eyes as blue as he had never seen. He held his arm with the meat to Kaidan and looked at him with honest eyes. As the sadness and suffer wrote over his faces, it was something pure and innocent Kaidan saw in him. And in that moment, he knew, he liked him. He took the food from him and sat closer to him. “What’s your name?” He asked._

_“John.” The boy answered with a clear voice. “And yours?”_

_“I’m Kaidan.” Kaidan looked at the meat. When John didn’t hesitate to bite from it, he did it also._

_John bit more from the chicken. Kaidan gazed over to him and wonder how fast someone could eat. Like a starving wolf, John didn’t stop until the ripped off the last piece of meat from the chicken leg. He licked his fingers. Kaidan had bite a little from his leg since he wasn’t hungry at all. He noticed how John licked his lips when he looked at Kaidan with the meat. “You take it.” He said. “I’m not hungry.”_

_The boy thanked him and took it. He swallowed it just as fast as before and licked his fingers._

_“Kaidan… I’ve never heard of someone with that name before.”_

_“It’s an old name. After my father’s grandfather.” Kaidan said proud._

_“It’s a stupid name.” John said._

_“It’s not!” Kaidan protested. “Lord Kaidan Alenko was a great man, he was the greatest mage of all time and he single handed defeated the last rebels in the war of the warlords.”_

_“Are you a mage, too?” John looked at him curious and asked._

_“Not yet!” Kaidan said a little disappointed. “I hope I’ll be when I’m older.”_

_John lay down in the high grass and looked up to the sky turning slowly darker. “When will that be?”_

_“I don’t know, maybe when I’m fifteen?” Kaidan answered and also lay down with John._

_John turned to him and starred with his blue eyes. “How old are you now?”_

_“I’m twelve, and you?”_

_John shrugged his shoulders. “The sisters in the orphanage said I’m ten.”_

_“Why are you not in the orphanage?” Kaidan raised an eyebrow._

_“The sisters beat me if I don’t go sleeping, so I ran away.” John responded whispered. “I don’t want to think of the sisters. Those were evil women.” He sat up and looked over the hill to the camp._

_They stayed on the hill until it was pitch black around them. John had picked up two sticks and asked Kaidan to show him how to swing a sword. And they chased each other over the hill and crossed the sticks until they fell exhausted in the grass again. Kaidan knew he should go back to the camp after the break of darkness but somehow he didn’t want to leave the blue-eyed boy behind, so stayed._

_It was far after midnight when the yelling of soldiers woke them. They had felt asleep and when John saw the torches coming closer to them, he took the rest of the chicken he had rolled in his shirt and intended to run, but Kaidan stopped him._

_“Don’t run!” Kaidan grabbed his hand and held him back. “Stay with me and you don’t have to be afraid of soldiers anymore.”_

_“If they get me, they’ll cut my hands off!” John said and wanted to free himself from Kaidan._

_“Trust me!” Kaidan insisted. “John, trust me!”_

_Slowly the boy stopped to struggle, he held Kaidan’s hand tight and walked with him down the hill hesitating._

_Father had agreed to find somewhere for John to stay and the smith had agreed to take him in at least for the winter. A winter turned to half a year and faster than he thought, John was helping in the smith. It was planned he become the smith apprentice when he was old and strong enough to work and until then, he learned from Kaidan how to swing a sword than making one. And then one night, John had opened his door and climbed under his blanket. He said the smith and Velma the wash woman were slaughtering the pig again._

Kaidan looked over to his bed and as he could see clear in front of him, there were he spent the first night with John. He smiled. Those were so beautiful memories. They were innocent; when they slept together, they just slept. And then they started talking about things until late in the night. Kaidan didn’t remember what they exactly talked about, but he remembered they talked a lot. Sometimes they talked so long; they couldn’t get up in the morning. It was in those nights where Kaidan truly felt bound to him; and before he realized where it was going he had already lost his heart to John. And John, his dearest of all friends and taken it softly and gave him his heart in return.


	4. In the shade of Lord Alenko

“Good to be home” Lord Alenko signed when he rode into the courtyard of the castle. They had sailed into the harbor before noon and it took them few hours to move through the streets. John felt the excitement in him the moment he set food on the land again. The streets were filled with the sweet smell of freshly baked bread and everywhere he looked, the people were in good mood.

John had put on his shiny armor and his red cape waved in the wind. He rode proudly next to his lord and just as he remembered, the monumental castle watched over them. He climbed off his horse and waited for the Lord’s command. The Lady of the castle, an elegant woman in her early forties stood at the end of the stairs with her son and welcomed the lord with the entire court.

Lord Alenko asked them to rise after all of the lords and knights bend their knees before him and placed a gentle kiss on his lady wife’s cheek. Then he greeted his son, the young mage in his citadel robe. Then he waved John to join him. “My lady, this is John Sheppard, my champion and centurion of my 101st legion.”

She nodded and gave John a polite but arrogant smile. “Welcome in our house.”

Lord Alenko then waved Kaidan to step forward. “And this is Kaidan, my son.” He said and John saluted like a soldier.

“It’s my honor to be your guest.” John said. He didn’t dare to look Kaidan in the eyes. He hasn’t thought the anticipated moment would come so quickly. In his mind they would meet maybe at night, under the trees in one of the castle’s mountain gardens and Kaidan would embrace him passionately and let their lips meet. John stared at the sigil of House Alenko on Kaidan’s chest and felt the heat on his face. He didn’t know if he should take off his helmet or not, so he remained stiff. But eventually their eyes met, and in those dark brown wells of warm passion, he saw nothing.

 _He doesn’t recognize me._ John thought disappointed. “It’s also an honor to meet a mage from the citadel.” John mumbled stiff.

“Also my pleasure to meet the man that had helped my father winning the war and…” The mage answered in a distinctive husky voice.

Lord Alenko cut him off rough. “The war is not won yet.” Then he stepped into the castle followed by the rest of his men. John waited until the rest of them had stepped inside before he joined them as one of the last.

John was brought by the steward to one of the chambers in the lower levels of the house, mostly for guest from lesser house or landless knight. Most of the higher lords and ladies were housed in the towers of other chambers of the castle, where the afternoon sun could warm their room and closer to the gardens to take refreshment.

John barely settled in, it was already his time to join at the feast. As one of the soldiers accompany Lord Alenko back to Elysium, John was placed with others soldiers in the side of the hall; too far away from the high table of the hosts but still close enough to the fire place to stay warm. Along with the Alenkos sat some of the most important Lords or Ladies of the country. And also Rahna had taken seat beside to hosts to represent the newest ally of the family against the tribes.

The maids had poured wine for the guest but before the food was served, John had to sit through the formal routine of the vassals renewing their vows for the family. John had been to several harvest festivals before but he had sat at the table of the servants and whenever it was asked of him, he had to stand up and serve. It felt strange for him to be seated next to other lords and knights and have other girls and boys pour his wine. The Alenkos had twelve different foods and sweet served generously and when the beer and wine flowed long in the hall, the mood started to relax. John had watched how Lord and Lady Alenko acting friendly with each other but not too familiar and how Rahna and Kaidan barely speak to each other. But whenever Kaidan turned his head towards him, he had quickly looked away, pretending to talk to the lords and for a while he didn’t dare to look back.

John didn’t drink much but he took the meat gladly, after eating soldier’s ration for a time, he was thrilled to have some delicacy. Then the noise in the hall raise and the singers started to perform, John quietly excused himself and walked out of the hall. He wasn’t in the mood for celebrations. His encounter with Kaidan didn’t quite turned out the way he expected and watching him sipping on wine and inviting young ladies for dances made him feel uncontrolled jealous.

The courtyard was cool at night and down in the city; a feast of another kind was going on. Colorful lampions were hanging across the streets and he believed he could hear people sing and see them dance in the streets. John walked across courtyard into the garden and then ups few stairs, and suddenly he stopped. His feet had brought him to the place of his past and he looked at the statue of the last Lord Kaidan Alenko, the infamous mage who had defeated the three warlords.

_Kaidan was almost fifteen and John twelve. Kaidan had held John at his wrist and dragged him over to the servant’s quarter. He peeked in the keyhole and then told John to look. Then they giggled. Inside the wash lady Velma was sitting on the lap of the smith. He had placed his hand between her legs and they lips met and covered each other. John gasped shocked and turned around to Kaidan who just nodded giggling._

_They both tried to peak through the whole and pushed each other. Once John must have pushed too hard, Kaidan bumped against a basket and it fell down together with the cloth inside. They froze and just few seconds later, the smith opened the door and John packed Kaidan at the hand and they ran. They ran and ran. Up few stairs and then down again. They ran around a corner and up the stairs. They stopped at the window and looked into the courtyard. The smith saw them and ran after them. The boys ran again laughing. Then suddenly Kaidan pushed John into the niche and hid inside himself. They pressed themselves do deep into the niche to stay completely in shadows. Soon they heard the bumping steps of the smith; he stopped at the beginning of the corridor and then signed. Kaidan and John pressed they fingers on their lips and laughed silently about the fat smith. Then they heard him leave. Kaidan looked around and wanted to leave when John stopped him. He dragged him back into the niche until they stood not more than an inch away._

_“Stay here a while.” He whispered. “Wait until he’s further away.”_

_Kaidan nodded and giggled silently. “Lord Kaidan will help us.” He looked up to the statue they were hiding behind._

_They waited a while and until the corridor was covered in complete silence again, John slowly moved closer to Kaidan and stopped until they were only an inch apart. “Have you ever done something like the smith and Velma before?” He breathed, looking up to Kaidan._

_The older boy smiled and nodded ashamed. “I visited Rahna last spring and we played the game.”_

_“What game?”_

_“The game of challenge. We take turns and any challenge must be accepted. Lucien Gale challenged me to kiss a girl.”_

_“Really? And did you?” John stepped closer to Kaidan, letting their hands touch._

_Kaidan licked over his lips, signed and nodded ashamed again._

_“How was it?” John asked curious._

_“Her lips were so soft. But when I wanted to use tongue like the smith with Velma, she slapped me. Pretty hard actually.”_

_John looked up to Kaidan and smirked. He didn’t want to laugh at him but Kaidan still became red. Kaidan’s fingers twisted around John’s; playing with his fingers and stroking the skin on his hand softly. When their fingers eventually closed together, they both stopped breathing for a moment. Then John went on his toes, placing his lips close to Kaidan’s ear and whispered. “I won’t slap you if you kiss me.”_

_Kaidan firstly didn’t react. As John thought the moment was gone, Kaidan pressed him to the other wall of the niche and took the offer. John remembered how fast Kaidan had placed his lips on his. Kaidan pressed his lips on John’s so hard, it hurt. But then, Kaidan pulled back to let John come to him. And John did. They first just enjoyed the feeling of the soft skin and the flesh and then they opened their mouth slowly letting their tongue explore each other’s mouth. John wondered how Kaidan’s tongue tasked like. He had expected either a sort of salty or sweet like the food he had, but instead it tasted like nothing. It was only a moving piece of meat with tiny little knots on them. They kissed long and tender, when they took their head away from each other, John had to breathe hard and fast. Then he noticed; he had forgotten to breathe properly while he was kissing Kaidan. They looked at each other and giggled. Their laughter echoed through the corridor and then, the smile turned into longing._

_In the pitch black darkness on the niche John felt the warmth of Kaidan’s eyes on him and the heat rising in him. He stared back into the black where he assumed Kaidan’s eyes to be. When their lips met again, the anxiety turned into joy and dedication. It felt wonderful when Kaidan slowly put his hand on his body._


	5. The Library

Kaidan accompanied Lady Miranda back to her seat and placed a kiss on her hand. His Lord Father seemed to be happy so many of his vassals had come and Lady Alenko was satisfied after he had at least danced to half of the girls of his age. He had drunken too much wine this night and before he embarrasses himself he decided to catch some fresh air. Kaidan didn’t want to fuddle but the feast had bored him so much, he couldn’t do anything else but drink. He wanted to think it was because most of the guests were too afraid to talk to him and the ladies mostly remained silence if not making compliments about him. But in the end he knew it was because centurion Shepard.

He was sitting too far away to speak with him, but whenever he could, he had watched him. He didn’t know for sure if it was him; but by all the odds, he couldn’t think of anyone else. Although he hadn’t seen his face completely under the helmet, but no one else could have such bright blue eyes. _It couldn’t be him_ , he reminded himself. John had been gone, left him, and abandoned him five years ago. He went on chasing his dream; he rebelled against his own fate and wanted to be more than just a smith apprentice. Kaidan remembered the pain in him when he watched the boy went on at the end of summer. He said, maybe he could find work on a farm; maybe he could earn his tide to the Capital and with a little luck, he might join some mercenaries. Kaidan offered to give him anything he wanted, but John refused. All he ever wanted was Kaidan’s heart and even that precious he had to leave behind. There is nothing he could take.

Kaidan exited the hall by its side entrance and stepped out onto the balcony to welcome the cold fresh air. He looked around and suddenly his eyes felt on the man through the window of the west wing. Kaidan stepped inside and then slowly walked into that direction. The man seemed to be focus on the wall carpet of his family honor and he stopped far enough to look at him without getting noticed.

Kaidan leaned against the wall and looked the tall and strong man from the head to the bottom. He didn’t look like the John he knew. This one was muscular, not angry nor grim. He seemed to be proud and confident. He wasn’t wearing his armor tonight; the black velvet covered him like a second skin layer. The scars on his skin marked his way as a warrior and how he wear his hair and beard made the inside of Kaidan tremble. Rahna just had told him about the centurion being very young, in his early twenties and came from Elysium, but Kaidan couldn’t be sure. But then he called those blue eyes in his mind, which had pierced him with its driven glance. But those blue eye, how could anyone have nearly these kind of eyes?

Kaidan didn’t remember when he started walking; he came to his senses when he stopped before the centurion.

“Interested in the Alenko history?” Kaidan asked.

John turned around quickly, ripped from his deep thought and looked directly into Kaidan’s face. His heart immediately started to race; so fast he couldn’t hear anything. He mustered the Kaidan standing in front of him; older and mature. The tiny scar on his lips was still there and the warm brown eyes looked expecting to him. John noticed Kaidan was still a little taller than he was and when they were so close, he could feel his heat. He took a deep breath to compose, but instead he only felt the blood rushing through his veins.

Like there was an invisible line between them no one dared to cross they just stood there for a moment until John retreated and looked down.

“It’s an honor to meet a living mage and it’s my pleasure to be the guest of one.” He said politely and Kaidan forced himself not to look hurt. Almost close to tears Kaidan stood there, looking down to an old friend, acting like a stranger.

“You’re too kind.” Kaidan answered politely and then an awkward silence consumed the corridor. “Can I show you around?” He eventually gasped after John had studied the floor for a while and he himself stared at the top of his head. John nodded and then followed Kaidan.

The mage walked down the corridor in silence and he listened to the shatter of boots behind him. He wished so much, the man behind him would be his man; the young boy with the dream of a centurion. He passed the library of the castle Alenko and the man behind him stopped.

Kaidan turned around and opened the door for his guest. “The library of castle Alenko was famous for its size and richness of knowledge; thousands of books, maps, scrolls and foliates are stored here, passed on from generation to generation.” Kaidan told his guest, the oldest of all book in their library was more than eight hundred years old, from the time before the Alenkos became ruler of this land.

On the table are still the books he was reading yesterday and he quickly closed those books and put them back in the shelf. Kaidan glimpsed to the soldier. The tall man wandered around the library and looked over the books. He was reading the title of the books and then raised his hand and stoked the heavy wooden shelf. Then he raised his head towards Kaidan.

“I guess this is the place where it happened?” He asked and Kaidan narrowed his eyes to tell his guest he didn’t understand. “The exaltation.” The soldier added and Kaidan leaned back.

“You’re well informed, Centurion.” Kaidan smiled and nodded at him.

“A living mage is always surrounded with rumors and stories,” John said. “It’s hard to know what to believe.”

“Wise words from a soldier.” Kaidan laughed. “Anything bad you’ve heard of me?”

“The normal ones, I guess.” John leaned against the bookshelf while Kaidan leaned against another, between them the big reading table. “You’re chosen by gods, cleaned in the pure flames, champion of the spirits to guide us.”

“Do you believe them?” Kaidan focused at John.

“Should I?” John didn’t smile but returned Kaidan’s glance. “Stories say you’re an excellent fighter and no one had breached your defense so far. The fire is protecting you.”

“I guess if this is the worse I’m doing quite well…” Kaidan smiled and walked around in the room. “What about you, Centurion? I’ve heard great stories about you, too.”

John didn’t react to it and followed Kaidan’s movement in the room up and down. “Some are true, some are lies but most of them just glorifying the war.”

Kaidan laughed. “So humble.” Kaidan licked over his lips and raised his head to look at John amused. “Centurion, are you aware of the tales about the death of a mage?”

John thought Kaidan would ask and nodded. “That a mage cannot be killed?”

“No one had ever killed a mage before, but you. It is true?” Kaidan asked curiously, but trying hard to hide it.

“Yes, Adrian.” John nodded.

“Is it true she burned hundreds of men?”

“No, it was most likely a dozen. And the she is a he.” John shook his head.

Kaidan nodded acknowledged. “I guess then what I’ve heard is then a lie.”

“What did you hear?”

“I heard you’ve seduced her and made her fell for you. Some say, she was so in love with your strength she couldn’t burn you anymore. Others say you’ve lured her into your bed and exhausted her so much with your strength and…” Kaidan haven’t finished but John started to laugh.

“No… ” He laughed more. “It’s not how it was… He was a capable warrior, but untrained and undisciplined. He was blessed with the gift of fire, but he didn’t know how to use it. He never fell for me, at least not that I know of.” He put of a smirk. “We met on the battlefield and he died on the battlefield.”

Kaidan looked at him a little surprised but curious. “How did he die?”

“I put a sword through him.”

“How? The fire is protecting him…”

“Right.” John walked to the table and leaned half sitting and half standing against it. “I tell you something you haven’t heard before.” John whispered and told Kaidan to come closer.

The mage walked carefully through the room and stopped few feet in front of him. John then smiled and hissed. “Because I can’t be burned.”

Kaidan opened his eyes wide and stepped back from John. He bumped against a bookshelf and gasped. “How can it be? Only survivors of exaltations bear that power. No one survives it.”

John jumped from the table and came closer to Kaidan, so close the mage could smell the wine in his breath. John put a hand on Kaidan’s face and his lips to his ears. Then he slowly breathed. “You know it’s not true. I survived yours.”

_John stood up from the table and closed the book the master asked him to read. Kaidan, still focused on the ancient text buried his head close to the pages and didn’t pay attention when John started to play with his knife. Since John had started training with Kaidan, it felt natural for the master to also have him as Kaidan’s companion in the lessons. But reading was clearly not John’s best subject._

_But the history of the realm fascinated Kaidan. He had read hundreds of books about the old gods, legends and tales about mages. He wanted to learn everything about mages he could know and usually stayed late at night to studies the history. He loved the great stories about heroes and great warriors from long forgotten time, how they sailed from the capitol island to fight the barbarian tribes, finally forming their empire._

_Kaidan bent over the book when he suddenly felt the hands of John massaging his shoulder and then down his body. Kaidan smiled but took John’s hands away. “Not now.”_

_“I’m bored.” John said and started kissing Kaidan’s neck and ear._

_“Stop it. I want to read this. And you should, too. I’ve better things to do than read it to you later.” Kaidan smiled again and turned around to give John a small kiss._

_“Like what? Read more books?” John said and buried his face in Kaidan’s neck. Kaidan could feel John’s breathe on his skin and his warm lips touch his neck. Kaidan put his head back to kiss him while John scratched his chest softly._

_“This feels good.” Kaidan whispered and John sucked his lips. “John, Master Glenn will come back and if he sees us this way…”_

_“Don’t worry!” John said and sucked on Kaidan’s lips. “Your father asked for his council, it will take hours.” He walked around Kaidan’s chair and sat on Kaidan’s lap. Then they kissed greedily. John stroked his head and his chest then slowly moving down between his legs with his fingers. Then he took Kaidan’s fingers to touch is hardened manhood._

_“Right, you’re right!” Kaidan said and quickly he opened John’s pants._

_They didn’t waste any time. Kaidan took John inside his mouth and tasted him. John leaned against the table standing and scratched his fingers into the wood. He breathed heavily and grunted when he was close before unloading himself. Kaidan wiped his lips and stood up. He kissed John like he was dying of thirst and John’s lips were the well of live. He sucked on it and bit his lips. Then he untied his own pants and let it fall to the ankles, and then he lifted John on the table and spread his leg._

_“Wait, wait… wait, Kaidan…” John hesitated and looked nervously down to Kaidan’s hard boner. “You’re sure about this?”_

_Kaidan had closed his eyes, fully sunken in the lust and begged. “Please John, I want you so bad.”_

_“Here? You’re sure?” John said again, breathing heavily._

_“I thought you said we have time.” Kaidan didn’t stop kissing John and opened now his wool shirt. He kissed John’s breast and stroke his belly. “I want you so bad.”_

_“But…” John closed his eyes when Kaidan’s fingers stroke over his naked belly and the tiny kissed Kaidan had placed on his face, neck and lips._

_“I’ll be gentle.” Kaidan sensed John’s anxiety and took his hand to help him. He kissed John again and again. “It didn’t hurt when you did it to me… John…”_

_John could feel the desire of Kaidan and how he could become hard again, and then he nodded. He lied back on the table and relaxed as far as he could. Kaidan bend over the table and kissed him before he entered him. John had pressed his own hand his mouth hard not to scream. Tears came to his eyes immediately when Kaidan was inside and forced himself deeper. But few seconds later, his body relaxed and John felt the joy behind the pain. Kaidan thrust few two more times and breathed loud and heavy and John reached out a hand and placed Kaidan’s lips. Kaidan glanced at him with half closed eyes and John saw his love and desire in his brown eyes. He knew he was making Kaidan happy._

_His lover thrust few more times and was close. He scratched his skin and bid in John’s hand. Then he came. John leaned back when Kaidan came and just as he wanted to pull his lover for a kiss, he saw Kaidan breathing hard. Then he felt the heat. A magical blue flame gathered around Kaidan and started to form into the “pure aura” as it was called in the books._

_The candles were blown out although there was no wind in the room. The burning aura surrounded Kaidan, covering the room in blue light. What looked like flames spread and the cloth on their body started burned away like paper. But nothing really caught on fire and he didn’t felt the pain of burning._

_Kaidan rolled his eyes like he was about to faint and started to shiver. He breathed heavily and stepped back from John. He bumped against the bookshelf and his muscle cramped. John jumped down from the table and caught Kaidan before he fell to the ground. He carefully laid Kaidan down and tried to wake him when Kaidan suddenly opened his eyes wide and started to scream._

_Kaidan remember very well how it felt for the first time. When the power of the gods went through his body and burned him in the purest flame. The priest liked to say it was the test of the gods if one can pass through the fire. Only the purest souls could pass the test. The exaltation they called it, but for Kaidan, it was just burning. If felt like the fire was consuming him alive. He lied on the floor, his naked skin touched the stone and without the calming and helping hand of John holding him, he could not have make to. John had tossed himself on him, pushed him arms to the floor, otherwise he could have scratched himself bloody. He remembered John calling his name and asked him to stay with him, patiently, again and again. John told him to scream, as loud as he could, but he still should focus on his eyes._

_“Don’t think of the fire, think of me.” He said. “Kaidan, look at me, it’s soon over. Stay with me, stay calm. It would be over soon…” He did what John asked of him. He focused on John’s eyes, he tried to tell himself it would be over soon and he screamed, painful and loud screams._

_As soon as the flames couldn’t consume him, and when the burning became less, Kaidan just lied there, tired and done. He was as nude as the boy kneeling over him, only covered in scraps of cloth what was left over by the burning. They looked at each other; surprised by what just happened; then they laughed and John bend over to kiss him._

_“I think, you just exalted, Kaidan.” He whispered and Kaidan nodded, exhausted but happy. Sixteen years old and finally exalted. He pulled John’s head down to him and kissed him tenderly when suddenly a force grabbed John at his hair and tossed him over the room. Kaidan sat up quickly and saw the one of the house guard, a grim man, seized John at his neck and beat him against the bookshelf._

_“You thought you could just disgrace our lord, you disgusting piece of shit?” He lifted John half a foot from the ground and beat him against the shelf again._

_Kaidan stood up quickly and push the man out of his way. The guard let John fall and Kaidan kneeled to his side. He took John’s head and placed it on his lad and rattled him softly. He called his name, asked him to open his eyes, and then he felt his wet hand. He looked down and saw the blood covering his hand. He looked for a sign what could have done it and saw the wood splinter on the bookshelf with a red peak._

_He glimpsed up to the guard and he felt an anger and madness inside him he had never known. Like something had given him power, Kaidan stood up, facing the man. He felt a very cold and hot flame on his body and he saw himself raise his hand and a bolt of blue flame came out of his palm and hit the knight right on his chest. He flew out of the library backwards._

_Within seconds the most beautiful experience he ever had had turned into flaming suffering of him. His joy burned into ashes. He had gained what he had dreamed of the whole life and bend over John’s body, with his laps and the floor covered in John’s blood, he felt the loss of the most precious thing to him. Kaidan cried over the unconscious John with a very flat breath and asked himself if the blessing of gods always come with the burden of such loss._


	6. Asking for the fire

Kaidan and John bumped against a wall; wildly kissing and touching each other. They had tried to stay normal on their way to his chamber, but John just couldn’t take his hand off Kaidan. The mage ran up the stairs and along the corridor and whenever John caught him on the way, he had closed his arms around him and placed kisses on his lips.

“I knew it’s you…” Kaidan gasped between John’s kisses, and then he pushed him away and walked fast towards his chamber before his got caught by John again.

“I thought you didn’t recognize me.” John licked his earlap and kneaded Kaidan’s ass.

“I wasn’t sure in the beginning…” Kaidan moaned and sucked on John’s lips. “I mean, you look so different.”

John let Kaidan go when they heard someone’s steps and stood ashamed like forbidden lovers being caught and let the maid walk by giggling. Then they ran fast into Kaidan’s chamber down the corridor. The door was hardly closed; Kaidan had already unbuttoned his robe and dragged John towards his bed. They fell on the bed together and Kaidan had rolled on John with his fingers opening John’s coat hastily. “You made it! You became a centurion” Kaidan glanced deep into the blue of his eyes and smiled proudly. “It’s unbelievable, you made it!”

“Not only a centurion, Kaidan. I have a name and a house now.” He smiled wide. “I have a right to claim you, now.”

“Don’t be stupid!” Kaidan said happily. “You don’t need a name and house to claim me. You made that clear years ago!” Kaidan tossed his pants into the corner and sat on John’s lap.

And then they stared at each other a while, Kaidan could see the love through John’s eyes and John could see the happiness and desire. Wordless they started kissing, tender but greedy.

“You had grown a lot!” Kaidan moaned.

“You too. These wide shoulders.” John lied down and pulled Kaidan with him. “I like it.”

“And your new hair cut! And the beard.” Kaidan smiled and rubbed over John’s head. “By the gods, you look so desirable.”

“I can say the same about you.” John grunted.

In the passion’s grasp they rolled on the bed, between the sheets and greedily took what they could get. John pushed Kaidan down and took him inside his lips until his lover grunted and trembled in his love. He wanted to express his desire with his lips, let his fingers tell the story of his longing. He sucked and let his tongue show his joy and eventually his made his body the messenger of his love.

“By the gods, you make me mad!” Kaidan moaned and breathed loud. “Yes, you’re making me mad.”

It didn’t take long for John to enter him and few thrusts later they had reached their climax. But this wasn’t enough; they still couldn’t let their hands of each other. “I want more…” Kaidan sighed.

“Yeah, me too…” John kissed his lover again and again and suddenly he had to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Kaidan wondered.

“I just realized it’s the first time we fucked in this room.” John noted.

“Not quite true. We did a lot of things here. Well, there.” Kaidan pointed over to his desk, not stopping kissing John.

“We never fucked here. Not like I would ever forget our first time.” He laughed. “It was so hilarious. The great mage of Elysium exalted at fucking me.”

“After fucking you. I exalted after fucking you.” Kaidan stood up from the bed and came back soon with a cup of wine. He drank from it and kissed John with the wine inside his mouth. Then he slowly let the wine flow over to John’s mouth.

“That makes me the best fuck on Elysium?” John pulled Kaidan closer.

His lover moaned quietly and then buried his head on John’s shoulder. “You are.” Then he breathed in the scent of John’s skin. It hadn’t changed; it was the same as he had been; a mixture of the dry scent on summer on his skin and the sweat. And it made him dizzy. It made him hard again and it made him wanted to have more.

John seemed to notice that and smiled. “You’re still greedy as ever.”

“All because of you.” Kaidan said again and they kissed passionately.

They had done it again, until they were both exhausted and the sheets on the bed ruffled. John lied straight on the bed and Kaidan had placed his head softly on John’s chest. While he was playing with a golden ring on a silver chain around John’s neck, his lover had rolled his fingers in his curled hair.

“I don’t believe you’re still wearing this.” Kaidan said and stroke the ring.

“You don’t?” John asked and Kaidan didn’t answer. “Do you think of what we did sometimes?” John whispered into Kaidan’s ear.

The mage remained silence. He tangled his fingers around the ring and eventually signed. “Sometimes. When I felt lonely in the citadel…” He kissed John again. “Actually all the times.”

“Have you asked yourself, if things would have been different, if we had waited?” John asked again. But when Kaidan didn’t answer again, he continued. “I did. Sometimes I ask myself, if we had waited, you know, if we didn’t just do it in secret, maybe things would have been different.”

“Why would it be different?” Kaidan pointed out without hesitation. “You mean, if we asked my father for permission, he’ll let us? What if he does? My mother would have never let that happen. You know her; she never understood what we had.” Kaidan sounded angry and John stoked his hair.

“I didn’t mean it.” He kissed Kaidan again on the head. “I mean, what if we had caught the gods’ wrath upon us because he did it in secret and didn’t ask anyone else to give us their blessing?”

“You think if we had vowed in front of witnesses, our promise to the gods would be more valid?” Kaidan took his head from John’s chest and looked at him. “John, we were both old enough and we had said it with pure hearts in front of the gods, I can’t think why anything else should matter.”

John signed and starred at the ceiling. “You know, sometime I can’t stop thinking, that we did something wrong.” Then he sat up again on the bed and looked at Kaidan. “You know I don’t really know when I was born. What if I wasn’t sixteen yet when we did it?”

Kaidan signed and leaned back. “I’ve thought of that, too.” He said and signed.

They didn’t speak for a moment and then Kaidan reached out his hand to pull John closer to him. When their lips met he felt his body react to it again. The tender kiss between them had turned more passionate every second and when John had put his hand around his manhood, Kaidan gasped for air.

But soon they had to admit, what they’ve done this night had exhausted their body so they couldn’t keep it going for too long. Then they fell on the bed heavily breathing and giggled at each other. “It’s like we’re sixteen again.” John said laughing and kissed his sweaty body. “Now I know I’m getting old.”

“Me too.” Kaidan laughed and turned on his side and looked at John smiling charmingly. “This feels like a dream…”

“A beautiful dream…” John leaned in to give him a kiss and put his head on his belly. “Like one of those I had when I was alone during the campaign.”

“How was it?” Kaidan stroked softly over John’s hair. Whoever shaved his head did a great job, the cut was clean and the stubbles felt soft. “Sharing a tent with many other naked men?”

John laughed and kiss Kaidan’s belly. It tickled and Kaidan had to laugh too. “I liked it. So many great shapes. I’ve seen any kind of men.” He replied and Kaidan raised an eyebrow. “And you on the capital island? I’ve heard the emperor is a great looking man who prefers men over women. Had any chance?”

“Sure, he invited me into his palace once a week and we had experienced any kind of sensation together.” Kaidan said and John laughed. Then Kaidan added. “No, for real. The citadel wasn’t that kind of place.”

“So is the battlefield.” John whispered and slowly he felt how tired he was. He lied on Kaidan’s belly, still with the scent of love in his nose and the soft skin under his head felt warm and comforting. Kaidan slowly stroked his head and bit by bit both were breathing heavier until they had sunken into a dream together.

When John woke up, it was in the middle of the night. He carefully climbed over Kaidan and walked over to the balcony, where he glimpsed into the courtyard. The feast was still on, judging by the light coming out of the great hall, but the people had spread out all over the castle. He saw few people talking in the courtyard, once a while someone raised a cup and praised Lord Alenko for his generosity. John smiled and tried to find his cloth in the pitch black room. The moon was hidden behind thick clouds so no light shined through the window. When John found his cloak and tried to lift them up without making a noise, he tripped on some cloth on the floor and a cut fell from the table, hitting the floor with a loud shatter.

Kaidan twitched around in his bed but luckily he didn’t open his eyes. John gathered his cloth all around and carefully stepped out of the door. He felt like he was sixteen again, when he had spent the most of night in Kaidan’s room and had to sneak back to his own bed, so when the steward woke him the next morning, he could pretend he had spent the night there.

The next morning came too soon for his taste. He could feel his body’s protest to his extensive use of it yesterday and how some parts of him hurt. But the little pain it caused conjured a smile upon his lips at breakfast when he had sat down gently not to abuse it more. When he dressed in the morning, he still had the smell of Kaidan on him and when he noticed, he had grabbed Kaidan’s undershirt instead of his own, he decided to keep it. He had missed this scent of a long time and he enjoyed it, when he put his shirt to his nose and his body told him, how found he was of it.

John stood with a dozen other men in the courtyard and waited until the knights were fully armored by their squire so they could start their morning drill. John was used to getting up early; in the mountains there was no more routine sleep so he was actually glad to have slept in such silence. A knight sent his squire to ask him if he could give the man the honor to practice with him and John pulled his bastard sword from the scabbard and nodded.

The young knight was maybe one or two years older than he was, but his rusty movement and the way he swan his sword told John, he had never rode into battle before. Like he expected the young knight attacked him impatiently and John parried the sword thrust skillfully. Then he parried and dodged few, but he didn’t really intend to fight back. He liked when he could get to know his opponent first before he strike. After few thrust from the knight, John waited for the knight to put his full strength into his next attack and he dodged it and jumped over him and stroke with the bride side of his sword so the young man tumbled few steps before falling down. Then John was at his side, pointing his sword at him.

The young man looked up to him and nodded. “You are as good as people say, centurion.” He acknowledged and John nodded smiling.

He didn’t make the effort to put on his armor today; it was heavy and limited his movement. If he could waive wearing armor into battle he would, but the few time when the metal saved his life, he knew it was good for something. But for some weapon drill in the courtyard, John chose only to wear his leather west and went without metal. It felt soft when he moved and when he practiced hand to hand combat with few other men, he was thankful for the freedom.

Although the winter was slowly coming to Elysium, they had a blessed day. They late fall’s sun burned down on them and soon he wasn’t the only one fighting with naked chest. The servant girls and wash ladies at the well giggled when they peaked over to the naked men and John liked to fight once a while without being in mortal danger. The training turned out soon to a challenge for the young knights and soldiers to cross their sword with him.

He kicked one after another out of the ring with laughter of the others and John was having so much fun, he didn’t even notice Kaidan standing at the door towards the courtyard.

“So centurion; would you accept my challenge, too?” Kaidan stepped out into the sunlight smoothly, holding his battle spear. And in his leathered combat robe, John breathed heavy. Like almost everything Kaidan worn, the garment was in dark blue, but the metal shoulder piece shined in bright silver. He stepped closer to John and the crowed whispered.

“I’ve fought against mages before and I guess, you’re aware those tales.” John said taunting and smirked. He walked to a boy serving water and he purred the while jug over his head and cool himself off.

“It that a threat centurion? Do not let false confidence misguide you.” Kaidan also smirked and stood confident in the middle of the courtyard. The whispering from the men around them died slowly not they only watched him and John carefully.

“Well, then. I take your challenge.” John nodded and changed his bastard sword for a short sword and a round shield. “I guess you’re chosen your weapon, Kaidan.”

“I see, you’ve also found some new toys.” Kaidan said smirking and they circled each other in the courtyard. “So, John. Where did you learn the shield fight?”

“Battlefield…” John hissed and waited for Kaidan’s attack. But Kaidan also only circling him and watched him closely. He grabbed his finger tight around his spear and asked himself, if John was as good with the short sword.

After few rounds of watching and observing John made his first move. He ran towards Kaidan and jumped high when he was in front of him. He smashed down with his sword and Kaidan parried it with the spear. The pure thrust of the strength surprised Kaidan. John didn’t only grow stronger, the strength in his arms were extraordinary. John took his sword from the spear and swung at him. He either parried or dodged John’s fast moves, but not once in John attack, he couldn’t break his defense, so Kaidan could escape John’s first attempt. He jumped backwards away from John and when he landed, he put the end of his spear deep into the ground.

John smirked and looked him deep into his eyes. “When did you learn to use a spear?”

“In the citadel. There they teach us to keep people on distance.” Kaidan said and then initiated his attempted. He ran at John, and before his reached him, he let himself fall and slide under John’s legs and stood up sovereign on the other side and launched his attack. He swung his spear, stabbed and cut with the sharp end of it so John had to walk backwards it parry and dogged. Some might been close but in the end, John could manage to escape. They moved so fast across the courtyard the watching people ran to the very border of the walls to give them space to fight. It was a fast collection of attack and defense, jumping around and thrust when they find the chance.

“So, John.” Kaidan jumped away from the centurion and held his spear in a defense position. “How close can you get?” He waited for John’s attack and this time, he tried to parry as much and turn the thrust of his against him. John was strong and fast for his way to fight. He moved around like he had been used to this and none of his movement gave Kaidan a chance to break through his attack.

“Why no fire, Kaidan?” John said when he realized as much as Kaidan was pushed to defend, there was no chance in sight he could break through.

“Nobody told you not to play with fire?” Kaidan swung his spear at him and John saw how the blue flame gathered in his left hand. The fire burned like a torch and when Kaidan casted the bolt of fire towards him, he used his shield to block it off. “They might burn you.” Kaidan taunted.

Kaidan kept burning and suddenly the fire in his hand wasn’t a ball of fire he could toss around, it was like the fire was alive. It climbed into the air and formed into an arrow. John laughed surprised and jumped out of the way when the arrow split itself into many arrows and rain down on John. He kneeled down under his small shield and blocked it off.

“Still asking for the fire?” Kaidan mocked him when John stood up. The centurion tossed the shield away and charged towards Kaidan. The mage saw fury and wrath in his eyes when the centurion ran towards him and Kaidan stepped back and casted a wall of fire that surrounded him. The flame moved with him and when John cut it with his sword, it felt like cutting air. Then John parried Kaidan’s spear stabs and with his free hand, he grabbed Kaidan’s spear pointing at him and pulled himself closer to Kaidan along his spear.

When he stepped into the fire, the heat felt hot on his skin, but as he expected it didn’t burn. He had seen men burned with the blue flame; only the faintest touch the men screamed like he was cooked in boiling oil or the fire left marks like from hot coal; but Kaidan’s flame felt only warm when he stepped through it. Then when he was close to Kaidan, he raised his sword and his thrust ended right before Kaidan’s neck.

“You’ve forgotten something, Kaidan.” John said when the fire around them burned out and they stood close to each other in the courtyard. “I was never afraid of your fire.” John smirked.

Kaidan looked at him in the eyes at equal height and smirked. “I know centurion.” John looked at him surprised and Kaidan smiled at him. “The fire is only as reliable as the man who knows how to use it.” He smiled and hinted John to look down.

John followed Kaidan’s lead and looked down. The mage had pointed a dagger at his belly and in the moment when he made a move to cut Kaidan’s throat, he could had spilt his own guts on the floor. John had to smile. “You know, Kaidan.” He lowered his voice. “This is the first fight in years I’ve lost.”

Kaidan smiled wide and took the dagger away from John’s belly, so did John with his sword. Kaidan smirked subtle and said also whispered. “You know this isn’t over, right?”

John nodded and Kaidan could see his true affection in his eyes. He wanted to kiss him, but with all the looking eyes, Kaidan only reached out his hand for John to shake. Then he heard someone clapping and the whole courtyard joined in.

Lord and Lady Alenko had watched it in the door. While Lord Alenko looked satisfied, a strange pride was marked on Lady Alenko’s face. She stepped into the courtyard and stopped at Kaidan’s side while the Lord came to John.

“Well fought, John.” He said with his deep voice. “I never thought about how you killed Adrian but now I guess I know. I guess you’re witnessed something horrible to receive this gift.”

“Long time ago, when I was a child.” John swallowed when he said it. He had never told anyone what really happened at Kaidan’s exaltation. People only assumed, he had found Kaidan later and Kaidan had hurt him in his rage. And the dead guard was the true witness of Kaidan’s exaltation. “I barely remember it.” He lied.

“Well John, this is a good sign.” Lord Alenko stopped at the entrance back to the castle. “You’ll fit perfectly into our family.”

“My lord,” John started. “About that… I wanted to talk to you about that.”

But Lord Alenko raised a hand again to command silence. “No hurry about that. You haven’t met Ashley yet.” He put a hand on John’s sweaty body. “We’re riding off to the orchard tomorrow, enjoy your home a little more before we talk about the arrangement.”


	7. Wait for John

John stepped into the gigantic bathing pool and made the water ran over the border. Kaidan laughed and splashed some splatter into his face. John splashed some bad and they giggled.

“Your mother looked so proud of you.” John said and sank into the hot water. It felt great on his skin and when his feed met Kaidan’s he felt like doing something forbidden. A wash lady came by and poured more hot water into the pool.

The giant stone was made of granite and under it; a coal pot was built in to keep the water hot. The bath lady stayed and asked if the lords wished to have their back washed but Kaidan declined friendly and asked the servant to leave them.

“What would they think of us?” John said kinky and smirked.

“She might not recognize you, but she knows I’m a good boy.” Kaidan gave him a crooked smile back and John coughed from laughter.

“You, good boy?” He said laughed. “How many times has she caught us in here doing nasty things?”

Kaidan smiled and floated over to John. He climbed on John under water and pressed himself very close to him. “I rather let her think I’m fucking with some stranger than let her scrub my back.” He bit John’s earlap and John moaned.

“Did you just call me a stranger?” He gasped for air and closed his arms around Kaidan’s neck. “I’m hurt.”

“You’re not a stranger?” Kaidan kissed John’s neck and stroke his head. “Why are you acting like one then?”

“By the gods, Kaidan.” John said and pressed a hard kiss on his lips. His hands moved along his back and grabbed his ass tight. “You want someone to catch us doing nasty stuff again?” He said while he was touching Kaidan’s body.

Also Kaidan had been turned on, he put one of his hands on John’s cock under water and it was hard right away. He laughed deep and horny before he started to stroke it. John grabbed his as hard and also put a hand on his cock. Then he sucked on Kaidan’s lips. “Right, Kaidan. Our fight is not over yet.” He said and grabbed Kaidan’s neck. “Should we pick up where we left off?”

“Do it, if you can.” Kaidan said and kissed John again. They snogged and touched each other a while and then they heart, how the door to the bath was opened. Kaidan got off John quick and moved to another wall before few other knights walked in. John recognized them from the men fighting with him in courtyard earlier.

He looked over to Kaidan and the men got into the pool. They were chatting with each other and praised how great they fought. When they noticed John and Kaidan, they came over and also praised their abilities.

John acted polite and sat in the water washing him, but his thought was with Kaidan, who was already getting out of the pool. He put on his cloth quick and looked back once more to John with a kinky smile before he walked out of the bath.

John had spent the rest of his day counseling with vassals of Elysium and Lord Alenko himself on the situation in the north, the war and other political issues. When the lord Alenko released him, John was hungry, tired and his head felt like exploding. The whole afternoon he had spent with high lords, seeing them fight over the last piece of land, whose children should marry whose heirs. They traded their children like livestock; regardless if an alliance would bring an heir. John saw how barely bloomed daughters promised to men twice their age and known womanizer sold to wed knight, known for having no favor for men. How could they gain more power and more wealth; how could they make the emperor give them more support; many things John didn’t care about. When he finally arrived at his chamber, he was thankful for the maid waiting there for him. He just wanted to ask her to bring him some food when she talked hastily.

“M’lord…” she said nervously. “the… the…”

“Don’t be nervous, I won’t bite.” John said smiling but the maid seemed not to understand it and her face turned grey. “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you.” He said and she regained a little more color in her face.

“M’lord…” she stumbled. “The young lord Alenko… Kaidan… the mage… he invited you for dinner tonight.” She finally finished her sentence and she looked she could burst into tears anytime.

“Hey…” He came to her and said gently. “Why are you so afraid?”

“He sent… me an hour ago, m’lord.” She said and started to cry. “I couldn’t find… you… I’ve… disappointed the mage… I’ve disappointed the gods.”

“Woah… easy…” John said and somehow he had to laugh at her. “It’s okay… Kaidan won’t be angry at you. Bring me to him.” He said and the girl ran out of the room. She walked down the corridor fast like if she brought John to him sooner, the gods would be less angry at her.

John entered Kaidan’s room and the smell of many delicacies came to his nose. There were olives with cheese on the table, baked onions, grilled quails in honey and beer source and his favorite lemon cakes. Kaidan stood up from the table and came to him fast.

“There you are…” He said smiling wide. “Where have you been?”

“Your father needed me… talking to the lords could be very very time consuming.” John said and then called the girl inside. “Could you tell her you won’t burn her with your eyes so she can stop thinking the gods are mad at her?” John said and Kaidan nodded. He walked over to the girl and calmed her with few words before sending her away.

“Why does everyone think me like a monster?” Kaidan said and offered John a seat.

“I don’t know, maybe because you are divine and gods are known for their unforgiving will?” John smiled and leaned for a kiss from Kaidan. “Dinner… I’m starving.” John said and reached out his hand to grab the meat. He took one of the birds and put it fast in his mouth.

Kaidan sat leaned at the table while John was eating and the centurion looked up. Then he pulled Kaidan on his laps and feed him an olive. “Your father told me, you don’t want to go to the Orchard tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to.” Kaidan started and spit the corn into his palm. “But that was before you came.”

“Why don’t you wanna go? I thought you loved the Orchard.” John asked and Kaidan stood up from his laps.

“I did. But…” he signed. “After you left, the Orchard just became that sad and lonely place for me. When I left for the citadel, I had sworn never to return.”

“Why not?” John leaned back and took the wine. “Was it so bad?”

“Kind of. The Orchard belonged to us.” Kaidan pointed between them. “It was such a holy place for us, full of memories. It occurred to me why I felt that way, but when Ashley moved there after I left, I felt she was invading our territory. I had the feeling some was rubbing the scent of you from the walls and removing your shadow from the trees. I couldn’t go back without thinking of the past. That’s why I didn’t want to go.”

John embraced Kaidan. “And now?”

“I’ll come with you tomorrow. Now you’re here, I have nothing to be afraid of.” He smiled and kissed John on the cheek and then down his neck. He licked over his skin and then teasingly bit into his earlap. “You know this time, no one would interrupt us.”

“You know exactly how this would end.” John said and drank more wine. Suddenly he was in the mood of celebration. Suddenly he wanted to fill himself with wine and have his way with Kaidan. He felt like grabbing his ass, holding him fast and doing many things to him. He grabbed Kaidan’s hair and pulled his head back. Then he kissed Kaidan’s shoulder and bit softly into his neck.

“I missed this.” Kaidan said quietly and stood up just to sit back on John like he was riding a horse.

“You know what I really missed?” John whispered and Kaidan could feel his cock rising. “I missed our eternal game - who could be on top.” He hardly finished and Kaidan already started to move his body to make John moan.

Kaidan kissed John gently but greedy on the lips and he smelled wine. He must have started drinking long before he arrived and John smiled and felt him. Kaidan moaned when John scratched his back. “I’m going to let you win tonight.” He whispered smiling and John stopped immediately to look at him.

“You never let me win.” He said and Kaidan giggled.

“Of course I did.” He giggled a little more and kissed John again.

“No you didn’t, never!” John said but Kaidan only put his head in his neck and laughed. John grabbed it and pulled it closer for a kiss. “You little bastard. Why did you do that?” John pushed Kaidan gently from him and stood up. He walked around in the room a little and eventually stopped to lean against the wall. Kaidan came to him smiling happily. Now John noticed that Kaidan was indeed a little drunk.

The mage smiled and opened his full lips and whispered. “Cause I liked how you grabbed me when you got me.” Kaidan gave him one kiss on the lips. “I liked how you grabbed my wrist and pushed me to the wall.” Kaidan kissed his neck. “I liked how you held me tight.” He kissed his collarbone. “And put your weight on me.” He bit a little in John’s collarbone and the man moaned. John didn’t move, he was just leaned against the wall and let Kaidan do his work. Kaidan licked over the place where he kissed John and kept going deeper. “I liked how you were blinded by lust…” he kissed his chest. “I liked how you thought you had to hold me.” He licked over John’s nipple and he moaned again. “How you hastily dropped you pants…” Kaidan arrived John’s bellybutton and licked it. The hair underneath John’s bellybutton was strange to him, but the line of dark black hair going under his pants and thinking of where it led him made Kaidan tremble. “I loved how you commanded me.” Kaidan said whispering and John felt the boner he had in his pants. “I loved how you touched me, not tender not sweet, but greedy.” Kaidan said with his lips half open, like he was drunk, not by wine but by lust. He looked up to John and opened his pants. The cotton fabric felt to the ground and Kaidan was kneeling before John’s big and stone hard cock. “And I loved how you fucked me hard…” he whispered and then took John’s cock in his mouth.

“You bastard…” John grunted quietly. “You played me, all these years.” He gasped when Kaidan licked and kissed his manhood. He sucked hard and fast first, and when he heard John’s moaning and grunting, Kaidan slowed down and acted more teasing. John put his hand on Kaidan’s head and fingers ran through his dark hair. Kaidan liked how it tickled on his skin, scratched his head and when John directed his head to go deeper, Kaidan had to moan a little himself. “What should I do with you?” John said and their eyes met. “You’re been a bad boy.” He said and Kaidan felt the lust rise inside him.

He spit John’s cock out and went on his feet. He quickly walked across the room and pushed himself against the ebony desk. The he slowly bend down, presenting himself to John and whispered. “Punish me.”

John made few steps towards Kaidan and stoke over his ass. Kaidan had such a full and luscious back and over the years, it hadn’t softened a bit, when not ever harder. John pushed Kaidan’s robe up to his waist and slapped Kaidan’s backside a little. When John’s naked hand hit Kaidan’s skin, he trembled. He could feel the vibration going through his whole body and his knees shook. “Punish me, centurion.” Kaidan whispered again, and John heart the drunken and lustful beg in his voice. Kaidan was breathing heavily and with few gasps and he himself wanted to enter him so bad, but he wanted to fill Kaidan’s wish.

He let his hand hit Kaidan’s ass again and again and the flesh shook and John bit his lip not the thrust hard into Kaidan. Kaidan begged him not to stop and put his hand on his cock and started rubbing it. He moaned when he was releasing himself of the tension but John quickly grabbed his wrists and pushed them to the table. “You do what I grant you…” John had bended over and whispered in Kaidan’s ear and his lover nodded fast.

“I want you cock…” Kaidan begged but John didn’t listen. He hit Kaidan one more time and this time, Kaidan had to scream. “Give me your cock, John.”

“You want it so bad, don’t you?” John whispered and Kaidan nodded fast. John pressed his manhood to Kaidan’s ass and rubbed on it but without entering it.

“John, please. I beg you…” Kaidan was trembling on his whole body and John scratched Kaidan’s back again and again. He knew what Kaidan wanted and what his about to do. Kaidan would try to wet himself with saliva and then he’ll grab John’s cock to put it inside him.

John pressed his hand on Kaidan’s lips so he only could whimper while John refused to give him the relief. John liked that part, silencing each other while they do it. Kaidan had done it many times, most of it when he they were hiding somewhere and the forbidden tension made Kaidan mad. As he though, Kaidan and put his fingers into his mouth and sucked on it like it was a cock. Then he wetted his hole and grabbed for John’s manhood.

“Now, John, please.” Kaidan begged and John did what Kaidan wanted. He pressed himself deep inside him, not tender or soft; he just tried to go as deep as he could. Kaidan gasped loud and formed his hand to a fist and hit it on his table. It felt so intense and so painfully good Kaidan’s knees were shaking like he couldn’t hold the weight. When John went deep enough for his taste, he pulled it out a little and started to thrust again and again. Every time he tried to go deeper than the time before.

When they were done, Kaidan had turned around and sat on his desk while John stood before him and kissing him. They touched each other tender and kissed softly.

“You know I’m still hungry, don’t you?” John said smiling and Kaidan had to laugh.

“I needed the desert, first.” Jumped off the table and took the wine cup. He drank fast and much from it before handling it to John. “I didn’t have time to tell you, how desirable you looked today morning.” Kaidan kissed him. “I’ve almost forgotten how good you were.”

“And you, my heart.” John drank the wine and kissed Kaidan many times. “You were like on fire with the spear… Truly impressive…”

Kaidan and John fooled around in the room a while, teasing each other when someone knocked on the door.

Both of them instinctively stopped and started to put on their cloth. “Just a moment.” Kaidan shouted and John quickly ran across the room and slid under the bed. Kaidan helped John to toss the last piece of his cloth under the bed and ordered his own cloth. Just right after he closed the last knot, the door opened and his mother walked inside.

“Hello mother.” Kaidan said and sat down at the table fast. He could still feel the weakness in his legs. The lady of the castle joined him at the table and took the glass they just drank from. She took the wine from the table and poured something into an empty glass. “How did it go?”

“The offer? We didn’t have to occasion to discuss it.” He said with his husky voice.

“Not at all? Have you hinted it?”

“I tried.” Kaidan lied. He saw his mother was satisfied and he added quickly. “But he’ll go the Orchard with us. There we still have plenty of time.” Kaidan said quietly.

“And you?” She asked carefully. “Are you coming with us?”

Kaidan hesitated. He knew what his Lady Mother wanted. She wanted him to admit, he had been over John, he can return to the Orchard to announce his engagement. It had been a tradition of the Alenko’s to announce engagement at the Orchard and marry under the Orange trees.

“I will come with you.” Kaidan eventually said.

Lady Alenko stood up and went over to him. She turned his head towards her and went on her heels to place a kiss on his forehead. “I’m so proud of you.” She said and smiled wide. “Maybe things will go the way we want.”

“I certainly doubt it.” Kaidan whispered silent and wanted to turn his head away but Lady Alenko stopped him.

“What is wrong?” She demanded to know.

“Nothing.” Kaidan went away from the balcony and came back into the room. “It’s just…”

“What is it?” She asked again.

“Father had made him the offer already. And it seemed he wanted him to be his son very bad.” He said eventually. “I think he really wants to make him commander. Maybe we should let him.”

“That is not up to you.” She said quickly and Kaidan had to force himself not to laugh. If she knew who was hiding under his bed with a boner, she would faint from shock. Lady Alenko looked at Kaidan and noticed his absence. “And you? Are you ready to propose to Rahna? You know the Alenko tradition. None of us had ever announced an engagement after twenty and you’re already three years late.”

Kaidan hesitated a while and then looked at her. “I know, mother, and you know why I still don’t want to.”

“Kaidan Alenko!” She said loud and serious. “You’re a grown man, twenty three of age and heir to the Castle Alenko! You have not wed and have no heir.”

“And even when I wed, I’m not sure how long it can take to make an heir.” Kaidan said.

“Is this about lying with a woman?” She seemed to know her son well.

Kaidan didn’t say anything. He drank the wine and then said eventually. “It’s about John.” The wine had given him courage.

“When will you finally stop thinking about that dirty filthy bastard, you picked up on the street?”

Before her voiced echoed in the room, Kaidan was at her place at once. The holy aura had gathered around him a little and Lady Alenko suddenly saw her son in a blue light. His eyes glowed white for a moment but calmed down quickly. “Don’t you ever call him that again” He said quietly but certain. “He’s the love of my life!”

She stepped back and said. Over the years, especially after Kaidan’s exaltation, she had grown distant to him. They kept their respect and the family duties, but she had never been close to him again. And that blue fire. She was so afraid of it. She had seen the burned hole inside the house guard’s chest, and when every Kaidan glowed in that fire, the servants ran away from him and she did the same. “And yet he left you.” She said slowly. When he stopped burning, she stepped closer to him. “You were both children and it is a long time ago. But now, he’s and you’re going to be heir of Elysium.” She said.

“That’s not for certain.” He said. “Mother, it’s late and at the Orchard we will have time to discuss this matter. I would like to retreat now.”

Lady Alenko hesitated but eventually nodded. She smiled proud as ever and stopped at the door for Kaidan to give her a kiss before exiting his room.

After Lady Alenko went, John slowly crawled under the bed. “Since I’m not hiding down there, someone should clean it up once a while.” He said and cleaned the dust from his skin. Kaidan walked towards him and helped him with once while a kiss here and there. “You’re not going to tell her about us?” John asked

“Tell her what?”

“That I’m back. I came back to claim you.” John said and kissed Kaidan again.

“How, you’ve heard her.” Kaidan tossed himself on the bed and stared at the ceiling. “What she want me to do is secure the line through me, that’s a little hard with you.” Kaidan said up and buried his face in his hands. “My mother wants my father to name me his heir but I know he won’t.” Kaidan whispered.

“How do you know?” John said.

“He doesn’t trust me. I have never fought a battle at his side. Unlike you, I’ve never proven to him I’m worth his trust.” Kaidan then leaned on John’s shoulder. “You’re the centurion he wants Ashley to wed. Somehow it tells me, he wants to pass his command down to you.”

John signed. “Smart boy.” He kissed John’s forehead. “And what does your mother want me then?”

“She wants me to find out, if you’re willing to.” Kaidan laughed a little forced.

“Okay, go on then. Ask me.” John embraced him. “Ask me if I want to marry Ashley.”

“Do you?” Kaidan sounded serious but John only laughed.

“Sure, I would like to be Commander of three legions. Having the entire wealth of the family passed down to me and Ashley is a beautiful woman…” John joked and Kaidan hit him on the chest. “Kaidan, you know there is only one Alenko I desire.”

“Why is this so messed up?” Kaidan asked and let he fall deeper into John’s arms. “Why can I just marry you and everyone is happy with that?”

“I can’t have babies, I guess.” John said and started open Kaidan’s robes again.

He stroke John’s skin and kissed him. “I might have an idea…”

“Hit me with it.” John climbed on Kaidan and bit in his nipple.

“I don’t know. We could run away.” Kaidan suggested.

“Not a good idea!” John said and started to open Kaidan’s cloth again. “Don’t remember what happened last time?”

“How could I forget?” Kaidan placed his head on John’s shoulder and stroke his skin. How could he forget what happened, the first time, he really suffered.

_John walked down the forest path tired and slowly and Kaidan held his hand and looked just as tired as he was. Both of them looked at the mountain in the distance and remained silence. On their back they had food and water only for three days and the last drop was already used two days ago. Kaidan felt the hunger and so did John. None of them felt like speaking. That night, they had no strength to love or talk. They had found shelter in the woods, in a small stone cave. Both of them had forgotten how cold the night could be outside of the Orchard. They were shivering and John had put his arms around Kaidan to keep them warm. In that moonless night, Kaidan felt the regret of running away. Maybe they could be safe in the Orchard. Maybe what his mother said was only an empty threat._

_Lady Alenko had come to visit Kaidan in the Orchard a day too early. And they planned, John would go and stay out of sight few days and come back to him, when his mother left. But unfortunately she caught them stealing a kiss behind the column. Later Kaidan had told his mother, he would not marry a woman. He had chosen John and he had given his vows in the woods to John. As the gods were their witness, he had promised John his love and life. Lady Alenko laughed loud and sneered louder. She just looked at his son like he was some stupid kid and ordered the guards to get John. When the guards came back with John, she commanded them to beat him. The first man hit John in the face and Kaidan watched his husband fall to the ground. He wanted to come to help him, but out of nowhere a guard held him tight. The two men hit John with the wide side of their swords and John resisted, tried to dodge, but as the young boy he was, he couldn’t do much against two knights._

_When the first blood was spilled, Lady Alenko told them to stop. Kaidan had begged and tried to free himself. John kneeled on the floor and asked Kaidan not to resist. It wasn’t much, and it didn’t hurt. Things would just fine, he said. Kaidan listened. He couldn’t stand it to see his mother disrespect John. He wished his mother could see how much he loved John and accept it. After John was brought away, Lady Alenko came to his son calmly and told him, if she should find John in his bed again, that boy would hang._

_Kaidan was so afraid of her threat. He was never afraid of his mother before, but just after what she did to John, it made him think. It would be so easy for her to kill him. She only needed to ask a guard and he would slit John’s throat in the night. Kaidan couldn’t risk it. He had stolen himself out of bed that night and packed few things, and then he had climbed into John’s cabin through the window and woke him._

_“Get up!” He said._

_“Kaidan!” John opened his eyes and kissed him. “You can’t be here!”_

_“I had to see you!” Kaidan said and kissed him again. “I can’t just leave you.”_

_“By the gods…” John smiled and kissed Kaidan again and again. Hasty he stood up and pressed Kaidan against the wall, kissed him in the neck, on the lips. His hand stroked him on the back and everywhere else on his body. Then he pushed Kaidan towards the window quickly. “You’ve seen me, now go. If someone catches us, we will be in trouble. You mother is in the Orchard!”_

_“Come with me, I have a plan.” Kaidan said and John didn’t think twice. They run away. They always wanted to run away together. In their romantic thought, they could travel to the far end of Elysium and then find a boot to bring them to another place, where they could be safe from Lady Alenko. Where they could marry and be husbands by law, where Kaidan wasn’t the heir to this world and John not a low-born._

_But in the night and in the cold, with a hungry stomach and no money, John didn’t know if it was a really good idea. Slowly, listening to the breathing of Kaidan, he fell asleep. He woke up few hours later when he heard clops coming towards their direction. He woke up Kaidan fast and the boys quickly packed their things and sit in the cave silent as possible, hoping the riders would pass by without noticing them. It’s just some riders, John wanted to calm Kaidan, but Kaidan seemed to know, those were sent out to find them. “We have to go back.” John said after the riders passed him. “We will die out here. We have no food, no water and no money to buy some.”_

_“No!” Kaidan said strict. “She will kill you!” Kaidan was so sure, his mother would harm John as soon as she sees him with Kaidan. John tried to convince him Lady Alenko would be grateful to see him again, and she would hold him and thank the gods for returning him. She won’t hurt them when the go back. They had already made their points. But Kaidan refused. So in the end, they kept on walking._

_When they walked on, the orange tree became lesser and even the immature fruits weren’t eatable. John had caught a fish on the next day, and both of the fell over the fish like animals. Then when they had a little strength again, they swam across the river, where the private lands of the Alenko’s ended and they were almost free. They walked towards the farms and John asked for food. But the harvest time was far away and most of the farmer had nothing to spare. There were no work for two lost boys and like that, they walked around the country for few more days. It turned out, finding food in the woods weren’t hard as they thought and on the seventh day after they ran away, John had hunted a rabbit and to taste meat again was good. That night, they loved again._

_Kaidan had started kissing John slowly after they ate the rabbit and then under the stars, he rolled himself on John and did his duty as a husband. They were so in love, so focus on each other, they didn’t notice the men sneaking on them. A huge man grabbed Kaidan’s arm and dragged him away from John. Like the fire inside them had been reignite again, John and Kaidan fought like strange gods. They covered each other’s back like they had trained and with the swords they had brought with them, they were able to defend themselves. Kaidan thought those were outlaws, rebels, bandits or other kind of evil men, but then he saw the white sigil of house Alenko on sky-blue ground on their coats and he called to John. “Run, John! Run!”_

_They let everything of them fall and ran into the woods. They heard the knights running after them. Some of the half dozen men were faster and some slower in the armor, but it didn’t took long, John screamed and fell down. Kaidan kept running few feet until he noticed it. He turned around and saw John with an arrow in his shoulder. Kaidan helped John to stand up and helped him running. John clinched his teeth and scream again, when Kaidan dragged him through the woods. And just few steps later, Kaidan screamed and John saw an arrow had hit him, too._

_Back at the Orchard Lady Alenko was waiting for them in the courtyard. She stood there in her bed dress and had only put a fur coat over her shoulder. When the knight rode back, she ran towards Kaidan. When she saw the arrow in his back, she opened her eyes wide._

_“Lord Commander!” She said angrily. “I made it clear not to harm my son.”_

_“My lady. Your son, our little lord is a great sword fighter; there was no other way to stop him.” The commander of the house guard fell to his knee and apologized._

_A healer rushed to his aid and Kaidan jumped off the horse carefully. The arrow had hit him in the loins. But it seemed to miss any important body parts since Kaidan still could walk. He went over to John and helped the half-unconscious boy from the horse. John had lost a lot blood and the half of his cloth was red._

_“Come!” Kaidan said calmly and helped him towards the house. “We’re home again.”_

_Lady Alenko looked away when Kaidan kissed John’s cheek and the boy moaned weak. She looked at the house guard and nodded slowly. Then she went over to Kaidan fast and helped him inside._

_“Kaidan, a healer must look at your wound.” She said and two men came back to support Kaidan. They took John from his arms and put him on a bench. Kaidan walked inside slowly and just as them entered the house; two guards were waiting to close the door. Kaidan turned around and saw the empty hall behind him._

_“Wait for John.” He said but the servants didn’t stop. Kaidan let go of the guard and started walking back to the door. “I said wait for John.” This time, his voice was loud and driven. The two house servants looked at each other and stopped._

_“It’s a very cold night, close the door.” Lady Alenko said strict and the servants nodded._

_“We have to wait for John.” Kaidan said confused when he turned back to his mother. Somehow he saw what she intended. He saw in her face, something wasn’t right. Then he looked through the last gab of the door towards outside and he saw how someone tightened the noose around John’s neck and pulled him out of his sight._

_“No!!!” Kaidan screamed and limped towards the door. His heart had started racing. He could feel the dryness in his throat and how his whole body was consumed by a fear. Suddenly he had forgotten about the arrow in his back, he had forgotten he was bleeding. He didn’t really remember what exactly happened and how it exactly happened. But he remembers seeing John hanging from the tree, gasping for air and thrashed around._

_Kaidan didn’t know how he did it and if he screamed. But suddenly the courtyard was filled in a blue light. A blue that only the hottest flame can burn. A blue that is only the magic he possessed. The first bolt hit the man who hanged John. He flew backwards and blood spilled around the area when he got hit. Several other bolts hit other men and the courtyard was filled with fearful and painful screams. Kaidan didn’t know if he used a sword to cut John down or he just burned the rope, but when he held John in his arms, almost blue in his face and gasping for air with his empty eyes, he screamed and screamed. The waves of flame came from him and crushed everything in his way. His cloth was burning fireless in the air and like dust they flew away. Kaidan held john in the arms and his white glowing eyes fixed on John’s face._

_And then John chocked and gasped again. He took a deep breath and came back to his senses. When he realized what was happening, he crawled slowly on his knees, took Kaidan’s raging face between his palms and made him look at him. “Kaidan, it’s me. John!” He whispered coughing. Kaidan had formed his face to a grimace out of fury and he was still screaming. “It will be alright. Calm down, Kaidan, it’s me. Calm down, my love.” John whispered to Kaidan, again and again. Like it was mantra he had said so many times, John was focused on Kaidan. Few minutes later, the fire burned less and stopped eventually._

_Left behind is a burned out Kaidan, crying and weeping in John’s arms. He had put his arms around John’s neck and his head on John’s shoulder._

_“Don’t be afraid…” John said “I’m here.”_

_Lady Alenko had watched what happened from the doorway and her eyes were drawn to the destruction on the courtyard. It was a mess. There was no standing wooden shelter, no bench was complete. The burned stains on the walls marked for the power of Kaidan’s destruction and she looked at the blue fire that still burned here and there in the courtyard. Suddenly she was so afraid of it._

 


	8. Accusation

John rode along the carriage of the ladies. John had put on his armor and helmet for the day although they didn’t expect any danger. He followed the banner men of the House Alenko and behind him was the other knights of the family and somehow, he could feel Kaidan’s glance on his back. He hadn’t thought he would ever return to the Orchard this way; in big armor and waving red cape he felt just like one of those men he used to look up to. The sun burned on them without mercy; soon John wished he had stayed in the cool stone hall.

When he woke up this morning, Kaidan had placed many small kisses on his face. Before the first sunlight reached his window, Kaidan had loved him again until it was time for him to sneak back into his chamber for the maid to wake him. And when they met at breakfast before they leave the castle, John didn’t dare to give Kaidan any of his teasing glimpses, so he sat far away from him and ate his bread with other knights.

John closed his eyes and breathed in the fresh air in the morning. Even in the most distant world, people were telling stories about the beauty and peace in the Alenko Orchard. It was said to be many thousands hectare big and where the eyes can reach, it was covered with orange and other fruit trees. Wherever they pass farmer and other villages, they waved and kneeled. Some even called out “hail the pure spirit” to express their respect for Kaidan. John knew for those people, Kaidan must appear as a god, a very pure soul that had received the psalm of the all existing gods.

He watched how Kaidan acted polite with the ladies, almost familiar. He sat by the lunch table with his lord father and mother, while he was talking to Rahna most of the time. When John stood guard and watched him laughing with Rahna he felt the jealousy. It should be him whispering sweet words into Kaidan’s ear there, not Rahna.

After the quick lunch at the side rode, they climbed back at their horses and kept heading down the road. At the evening, they saw the huge summer palest of the Alenko rise at the Horizon. It was beautiful, majestic and peaceful, just as John had it in his memories.

_He remembered coming down this road. Kaidan was send off to the Orchard after his exaltation. It was too dangerous for an untrained mage staying in a city. But in the hurry for Kaidan’s departure, they had forgotten to take the John with them who was still fighting for his life in the healer’s house. For the first time, he rode on a brown horse behind a knight and he had cursed the sun. His wound on his back head wasn’t healed yet, and the bandages burned his head in the sunlight. He had asked the knight, if they could ride faster, but the knight denied it. He said, there was no need of hurry._

_He arrived at the Orchard at nightfall, the torches in the garden were burning red and when he saw Kaidan standing in the courtyard, awaiting him, he couldn’t wait to jump from his horses and ran towards him. They embraced long and hard. John wished he could have kissed him; he could have just taken off his cloth there and then. He wished he could run into the trees with Kaidan and kiss him again, but there were servants, guards and other people working. So they only embraced each other._

The summer palace of the Alenko was luxurious as ever. The procession came slowly to a stop when they arrived at the courtyard. John had helped the ladies out of the carriage and ordered her servants to bring her luggage to her chamber. Then Lady Ashley had been waiting at the door. Her skin was darker as Kaidan’s and her hair as black as all Alenkos. Her mother must be an exotic lady from the southern lands where the people had skin as dark as olive. She smiled when she saw Kaidan and welcomed him warmly into the palace. Then she turned to her guests and told them she had already prepared their rooms and after they had refreshed, the dinner would be served.

John went to her and greeted her just as the rest and then his eyes fell down on the little boy at her feet. Jane took the boy’s hand and smiled at him. “Go, say hello to your uncle.” She said and the small boy ran towards Kaidan.

“He’s the son of my second husband.” Lady Ashley explained. “Sadly the poor boy never had the chance to know his father before he fell in battle.”

“My deepest condolences.” John said and Lady Ashley just shook her head.

“Don’t be. He couldn’t take care of himself.” She smiled and then went towards her father.

John looked around in the courtyard. It hadn’t changed. It was just the way he remembered and when he saw the tree, where the guard had hang him, he breathed a little launder. Then he looked over to Kaidan, how he was holding his nephew and tossed him in the air. The small boy laughed happily and John also had to smile.

Lady Alenko came slowly towards him and asked politely. “Centurion, may I invite you to sit with us at the table at dinner?”

“It’s too kind of you, but…” John started but the Lady raised a hand to stop him.

“I insist. I’m eager to hear all your stories about my husband on the battlefield.” She then smiled at him. John had never seen her smile at him. “And Ashley would be pleased to know her...” she made a small pause before continuing. “Future husband?”

John wanted to say no, but he couldn’t decline her offer. So he accepted. When the procession settled in, John was amount the last to shown to their chamber. He smiled at the hint of destiny when he realized he was put into his old room in the Orchard. John took off his helmet and put it on the table and before he could undress himself to change into something comfortable, he heard the door close.

“Let me help you.” Kaidan stood at the door and looked at him like a love-sicken boy. John hesitated a little and then he embraced him and they kissed again. “I like your armor…” Kaidan gasped between kisses.

“I knew you’ll like it.” John answered. “I wished I could ride at your side.”

“Me too.” Kaidan touched John’s face and the centurion kissed his finger. “I wished there won’t be anyone else but us.”

John nodded and Kaidan hastily started to take off John’s armor. Piece by piece he freed himself out of it and put it on the table next to his helmet. “What we are doing is dangerous.” John said when Kaidan wanted to undress his shirt.

“Have you forgotten how to hide?” The mage smiled and kissed John’s sweaty chest.

“No, but I don’t want to hide anymore.” John held his hand and pulled his face to him. “Not now…”

Kaidan signed and nodded. “Come to my room tonight.”

“Are you sure?” John smirked but Kaidan didn’t laugh.

“I can’t sleep thinking you’re here but in another bed.” Kaidan gazed at him with a trace of begging in his eyes and John signed. Kaidan got him, Kaidan always knew what to say to get him and just like before, they were only boys again. John and Kaidan pushed and dragged each other across the room while kissing feverishly.

“Do you remember what we did here?”

“Of course.” John smiled. “We did everything.”

“By the gods, we were so in love.” Kaidan signed and kissed John on the cheek again and again.

“Yes we were.” John’s eyes fixed on Kaidan full of lust. “Remember the first time we did it here?”

Kaidan laughed. “How can I not. You were so mad at me.”

“I thought you left me to die when I woke up. I didn’t know you were brought to the Orchard by force. I thought you’re just… tired of me.”

“Yeah… few sad months.” Kaidan walked over to the bed and sat on it. “I sat exactly here. And you, you were standing over there.”

John stood up and walked few steps away from the bed and turned around. “Here, right?”

Kaidan nodded. Then he opened his pants and put a hand inside. “You remember what you said, when I did this?”

John looked down at Kaidan and hesitated. “I said nothing.”

Kaidan nodded again. He closed his eyes and felt it, the heat rising inside him. John watched Kaidan a while, then he opened his pants and walked towards Kaidan.

“Let’s do it again…” Kaidan whispered.

“Again?” John answered not stopped kissing him.

“Just do it again.” Kaidan said it and rolled on John. He kissed him in the neck and with his hand, he grabbed under John’s shirt. “I want so much of you.”

“Yeah… me too.”

They rolled on the bed, kissed feverishly and touched and grabbed everywhere. Kaidan had dropped his pants and pushed John’s pants to his ankles. He laid a hand on John’s cock and rubbed it slowly while kissing him. Then he got rid of John’s pants and spread his legs.

“I won’t be able to walk tomorrow…” John grunted and led Kaidan’s towards his entrance. And then with a silent scream, Kaidan entered him. It hurt as much as the first time. And Kaidan’s thrusts were strong and deep. His husband had bent over to kiss and then straightened his body to go deeper.

Suddenly Kaidan stopped and stared towards the door, but John couldn’t anymore. He was too close. He moved his loins to match Kaidan and gasped when he felt the lust grow. He was completely sunken in the act and as Kaidan put his hand on his mouth, John felt even more, how big Kaidan was inside him.

“Shhh…” Kaidan said but John didn’t listen to him. He moaned and grunted under Kaidan’s hand and didn’t stop moving. “Someone knocked on the door. John, stop!”

“I can’t…” John gasped. “I’m so close…”

“Stop it… John…” Kaidan also gasped when John scratched his back.

“Bring it to the end!” John clawed his fingernails in Kaidan’s skin and grunted.

“John, we should stop, there is someone outside…” Kaidan said quietly.

“I don’t care. Fuck me already!” John said louder and Kaidan pressed his hand harder onto John’s mouth. Then he thrust with all the strength he had and then, he gasped, moaned and grunted towards the end.

When Kaidan was close, the blue flames gathered around him and John moaned. “Kaidan, you’re burning.”

“I can’t hold it…” He bent over to kiss John and bid in his neck until he thought he tasted blood. “Come with me…”

John nodded. His heat was read and his muscles tightened up. He crossed his legs around Kaidan’s back and pulled himself up. Kaidan thrust one more time and then he came. He grabbed John’s cock and rubbed it few time and he came too with a breath of exhaustion.

They only allowed themselves a short moment to recover before they jumped off the bed and cleaned themselves up. “I have to go.” Kaidan said and gave John a kiss.

“Of course.” John put on his cloth and stroke Kaidan while he was still closing the knots.

“Are you coming tonight?” Kaidan asked.

“Sure.” John smiled wide and they looked at each other in love. “See you later.”

“Give me another kiss.” Kaidan asked and John did it.

It was a long kiss, full of tenderness and passion. Then John took his head away and pushed Kaidan a little. “Go!” he smiled and when Kaidan walked out the door, John smiled wider and licked over his lips. He was happy, so happy he hadn’t been for the last few years.

Kaidan walked down the corridor towards his own chamber and couldn’t stop smiling. He felt so happy he could jump and run down the hallway. He laughed at himself being afraid of coming to the Orchard yesterday. If he had known the Orchard would be such a nice place, he would have come back years ago. He still had then scent of John’s skin in his nose, he could taste his essence on his lips and he felt so fulfilled and relieved like nothing could darken the sky. Kaidan played around with the golden ring on the silver chain around his neck and thought, maybe in few weeks; he could finally wear this ring around his fingers. It made him so happy, thinking of sharing the bed with John for the rest of his days, without having to hide, without having to stop when they hear someone going down the hallway.

Kaidan opened the door to his own room and walked towards the bed where he had already laid out the garment for the dinner and started to taking off his cloth. He opened his pants and smelled the gift he had received few moments ago and it filled him with lust again. Kaidan just wanted to use his hand to play with himself when he heard his mother’s voice.

“You disappointed me!” She snapped. Kaidan turned around fast to see Lady Alenko in her usual blue velvet with silver pattern.

“What are you doing here?” Kaidan closed his cloth again and sat down on the bed.

“You will not see that boy again!” She said angrily and stared at Kaidan. “I know it’s him. I should have known before! And I forbid you to see him again.”

“Forbid me, Mother?” Kaidan said husky. “I’m not the boy that used to live here.”

“And yet you act like one!” She stood up and put the glass of wine on the table hard so the rest of the crystals rattled. “Have you forgotten your duties?”

“Serve for my country, protect my people and provide them safety. No I haven’t, mother.”

“And wed.” She said with a trembling voice.

“I was wed! To John.” Kaidan clinched his teeth. Kaidan closed his eyes tried not to become too angry. When Lady Alenko didn’t answer, he continued. “You and father wanted me to wed, and I will do that. I will wed John, again!” Kaidan said defiant. “You can’t force me to marry someone else. I don’t love them. I love John.”

“Love?” Lady Alenko sneered. “Love is the only luxury we high-born cannot afford! A marriage has nothing to do with love.”

“And yet Love is the first thing we pledge when we say the vows.” Kaidan walked towards his mother. “That’s my last word, mother. Beside John, I’ll take no one!”

“I’m afraid it is not the last word.” She said down again. “I promised you once I’ll hang him if I catch him your bed again, I’m afraid I’ll have to keep this one.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, mother. He’s not some boy anymore; he’s a man with status and name now. He’s not yours to judge anymore.”

“And he’s still from the House of Shepard’s, the lowest of all houses. One word and I can take everything from him.” She closed her eyes and took deep breath. “I give you until tomorrow to cast him away. If he’s still here tomorrow, I’ll charge him of raping you. It would be my word against his. I can put him on the pillory and let his discharged from the legions.”

“You don’t dare.” Kaidan grunted. “You’ve forgotten my word.”

“No one will believe someone who had been under his spell before. Have you forgotten what I’m capable of? Believe me, Kaidan, this time, I will have his life.” Lady Alenko stood up. “If you really love him, tell him what you whatever you must. Cast him from your side… and save his life.”

She left without saying another word, leaving his son standing alone in his room. When she stormed off, he could only feel the rage in his heart. Kaidan does not know at all; how could he tell John to go away when he just got him back? They just reunited and even when he told him the truth, John wasn’t the coward that would just go away afraid of losing his life. He had no fear for death before and he won’t fear it now. Kaidan formed his hand to a fist and gathered the blue flame around it. He felt the essence of gods flow in him and with his bumping heart the flame became alive. He punched his fist against the stone wall hard and the flame left a black track of smut on the wall. When the pain in his hand became stronger, Kaidan calmed himself.

He thought of her mother’s words. Yes, she had shown him what she was capable off; and that fragment of memory was something so unpleasant to remember but just so many years ago, he just stood there like the powerless boy he was.

_He and John were both sitting at the healer and let him tend their wound. Since he cut John loose, they had been kept away. John was tossed out and Lady Alenko had forbid him to enter the palace without permission. John was sent to work in the smith while Kaidan was held inside. As long as Lady Alenko was at the Orchard, John and Kaidan didn’t dare to love again, but here and there, when John went into the palace with the smith, Kaidan would come to him and steal a kiss._

_John had happened to called to the healer on the same day as Kaidan and the sit half-naked on the healer’s chair. He had wondered why his mother allowed John to come inside, but since he could see him for few hours, he was thankful and didn’t question her intention. They sat silently on the bench, eyes straight and watched the old healer look for medicine in his shelf. Kaidan had reached out his hand behind their back and held John’s tight when his mother wasn’t watching. They hadn’t been so close for weeks now. But since Lady Alenko was standing in the corner, watching the healer explain to her Kaidan’s condition, they didn’t dare to look at each other._

_“I miss you…” John whispered and Kaidan held his hand tighter._

_“Mother is going back to the castle in few days.” Kaidan whispered back, without taking his eye from his mother._

_“I can’t wait.” John mumbled and the healer came back._

_He held a small red vile in his hand and gave it to Lady Alenko. “This is a very strong one. The alchemist of the citadel had done it himself. Three drop will cause infatuation, five a love blinded passion.”_

_“And a whole vile?” She asked._

_“Well, only the gods could end that kind of love.” The healer said and started to open the bandage on Kaidan’s back. “Drink.” He handed over a cup of sweet tasting medicine to him. “It will help your pain.”_

_Kaidan nodded and drank from the water with honey. It tasted clear and the cool milked helped in the bright summer day. He looked towards his mother and asked himself, what she wanted with a love potion._

_“Well then.” She nodded and opened the bottle. She turned the small red vile and round and spilt the liquid on the floor._

_“By the gods, my lady.” The healer gasped. “This potion is extremely rare and expensive.”_

_“And it was used to seduce my son.” She said and walked towards the door. Two men came in and grabbed John. The young boy resisted but after the guard punched him in the face with his metal gauntlet, John stopped._

_Kaidan stood up and wanted to say something, but he felt the dizziness in his head. His vision became blurring and he had to hold on the table to stand. But his knees became soft and before his eyes, thinks blacked out._

_When he came to his senses at night, the high priest was saying his blessing at his bed. He still felt dizzy and his head was bumping._

_“What happened? Where is John?” He asked weak._

_The high-priest, an old and fat man sitting on the side of his bed making the matrass tilt to one side, slowly stroked his forehead with his podgy finger and Kaidan felt disgusted by his sweaty hand. “Sleep my child. You must rest; no one knows how strong the effect of love-potion could be.”_

_“What are you talking about?” Kaidan said and looked in the room. Her mother and two knights stood behind the priest and looked worried._

_“The boy from the smith had used love-potion to seduce you, your highness.” The priest put his fat hand on Kaidan’s forehead and pressed him back to bed. “He had cheated your marriage vows in order to gain power and wealth of House Alenko.”_

_“What? Who?”_

_“The boy John from the smith.” A knight answered. “But your highness doesn’t have to worry. Lady Alenko had already taken care of it.”_

_“Taken care of what?” Kaidan asked weak and his heart started bumping. He felt so dizzy, he couldn’t form a clear thought but he felt how the dream he build up with John started to crumble. How his future was slipping through his hand._

_“With the power of the gods, given to me. As a high-priest of the five gods, I have relieved you from your marriage vows. It was cheated and it had never been valid.” The priest sad and when he spoke, the fat under his chin trembled._

_Kaidan looked at the priest and he started to understand his words. This was his mother wanted to do. He should have thought of that when she didn’t send John way. She wanted the vows to be declared invalid. Kaidan felt sick suddenly. She had planned it since he cut him off the tree. He felt the urge to vomit from deep inside him. He felt cheated. He looked over to his mother and saw her satisfied face and then Kaidan felt the fury. “Where is John?” He said first clear and driven. “Where is he!” He then shouted when she didn’t answer._

_“You will not see him again.” Lady Alenko said cold and the priest pushed him gently back to bed. He then tried to say in his trembling unclear voice. “Your highness, it’s normal to feel betrayed. The power of the potion was strong. You need to rest.”_

_Kaidan climbed out of his bed, pushing the priest to the side and grabbed his mother. “Where is John?”_

_Lady Alenko turned her face away and remained silence._

_“Your highness,” the priest said. “Do not believe the false love you’re feeling. It is only the poison of the potion speaking.”_

_“Shut up!” Kaidan turned around and a blue flame gathered within his hand. When the magic burned inside his palm, all candles in the room went out like the light had been taken to light the blue magic. Kaidan breathed fast and he reminded himself to keep calm. He couldn’t harm other every time when he felt anger. Then he turned around to his mother again. He clinched his teeth and focus on her with his eyes. “Tell me where he is.”_

_She forced herself to look at Kaidan and the wrathful face was filled with hatred. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, he noticed. Was it guilt or fear he saw in his mother’s face? Then she gasped the word. “The dungeons.”_

_Kaidan let her go and ran down the stairs. The summer palace is a peaceful place, and in the last five centuries, the dungeons hadn’t been used too much. Kaidan felt dizzy and had troubles to concentrate. But eventually he tumbled into the stairway, leading him many stories down under the surface where he found the dark and wet dungeons. Kaidan demanded the key from the guard, but the man, confused and not knowing what he should say just mumbled, Lady Alenko had taken the key away. John pushed the man to the side and looked into the only looked cell. The iron gate of a tiny chamber was sealed with a big iron lock, only the small window on the door was open so he could peak through._

_“John!” he said and the boy inside stood up and ran to the door. His closed his fingers around the bars and Kaidan could see the iron chains around his wrist._

_“By the gods, Kaidan, are you alright!” John said and reached out few fingers to touch his face. “What happened?”_

_“My mother drugged me.” Kaidan said fast. “And you, did they hurt you?”_

_“Nothing I can’t take.” John said and Kaidan heard the sadness in his voice. Kaidan kissed John’s finger and he continued. “I don’t understand what happened. They guard took me, bet me up and wanted me to confess I have raped you.”_

_“I’m sorry!” Kaidan grabbed his finger and held it tight. He reached out a hand himself to touch John’s bloody lip. “They said; you wanted to steal my wealth and power.”_

_“I didn’t. You have to believe me.” John said a little too fast like he had to defend himself._

_“I know, I know! I trust you!” Kaidan took John’s hand and kissed it again and again. When John saw Kaidan believed him, he calmed down a little. Kaidan could see the anxiety in John’s eyes._

_“They have proof...” John started, but his voice was trembling. “They’re going to hang me for this...”_

_“They’re not!” Kaidan said driven, almost like he wanted to convince himself. “I won’t let them.”_

_John signed and forced to hold back his tears. Kaidan knew he must been afraid. Maybe not death itself, but the shame and injustice, that he would be hanged for loving the wrong boy. “Kaidan, whatever they tell you, it’s a lie.” Kaidan nodded and John kept talking. “I didn’t use anything to steal your love. I really love you. And I know you love me. I have no interest in your wealth; I don’t want power or money. Kaidan, believe me. I really love you.”_

_Kaidan nodded fast and now he had no more control of his tears. They ran down his face. “I know.” He leaned his head to the bars and John did the same. Then their lips met again. “John, I believe you. I believe everything you stay, but first, we have to get you out of here! Be strong.”_

_“I will.” John forced a smile on his face. “You too, be strong, Kaidan. Everything will be alright.” He kissed Kaidan again. “You’re smart, you can think of something to get me out of here, right?”_

_“Don’t worry; I’ll get you out of here.” Kaidan said and he couldn’t stop to cry. He felt so sick, so dizzy, so bad and so powerless. Actually he had no idea how he could free John. The key was held by his mother and she won’t just give it to him when he asked for it. He could try to melt the lock and get John out of it, but there was a guard watching him. Somehow he didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore with his power._

_Kaidan listened to John’s calm words and with the blurriness around him; he only saw John and not the knight coming towards him and grabbed him at his arm. Kaidan resisted and beat around. He freed himself from the knight’s hand and instantly two others came to seize him. He didn’t want to hurt anyone but they had let him no choice. The first time in his life, he willingly used his power to hurt someone, Kaidan gathered the fire and let his fists burn. He let the fire walked up his arm and when the flame reached the knight’s hand, he took it away fast and his face was a single expression of pain. Kaidan turned around to grab the other one’s neck. He didn’t listen to John’s shouting for him to calm down, he grabbed the knight. The power felt so good in him. Like he had never experienced these kinds of strength, he lifted the man off the ground. The guard reached his hands to untighten himself, but every time his fingers touched the flame, he had to withdraw._

_Kaidan was blinded by the power, driven by his fury he didn’t see the man behind him, and suddenly he felt something hard on the back of his head and the world blacked out in front of his eyes._

 


	9. Desire or duty?

The rest of the day passed fast for Kaidan in his numb powerlessness. He watched the door and asked himself if he should go look for John and talk to him. He used to talk to John when they came into a problem. But the lack of courage in his heart drove him back into the corner where he just grieved in self-pity and surrendered to his fate. He felt the urgent need to talk to someone but the only person he wanted to share his worries with was the subject of his clouded thoughts. Feeling the importance to cast John away yet against his own desire to keep him let Kaidan rot in a renewed sinister silence.

The sun passed his window while he watched the shadow do the world grew longer until the warmth of the burning light vanished, replaced by the cool faint light of the moon hanging high on the clear sky this night. Kaidan had forgotten the time, sunken in thoughts and memories when a maid knocked on his door and asked him if he wanted to join at the dinner. But when Kaidan didn’t answer her, she walked away. Kaidan had taken the golden ring from his neck and stoked it softly.

The feel of locking himself up again reminded of the time after his mother had imprisoned John. He refused to speak to his lady mother for month when he woke up again from the hit on his head. She had put in her mind to lock John up as long as needed to bring Kaidan back to his mind. And Kaidan wasn’t able to do anything about it. Guards were placed before John’s cell and he wasn’t allowed to go near it. Kaidan and refused to take food to him and he refused to leave his room. When his mother ripped John from him he felt like the world had cut off his winds and an unstoppable storm had blown away a shelter he had built.

Kaidan wanted to scream, destroy something and hurt someone. The well-known violence in his heart burned as hot as the flame on his skin; the urge to unleash it and let it go its way; unchained, uncontrolled and unstoppable. But the old masters at the citadel had taught him to tame the beast living inside him. They taught him patience and control. Kaidan closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. But the wrath inside him grew with every heartbeat and in his loneliness he didn’t even know who the subject of his fury was.

Was it his mother to remind him so frequently of his duty and urged him to action against his will? Or was it his father who had never given him much love and care, yet expected of him to be the proud son he should be? Ashley for given the husband he wanted himself? Or was he in the end furious about himself lacking the courage to act? The more Kaidan thought of the misery, the more the will to lose control became stronger.

Kaidan stood up and walked for the door. He could bear those thoughts in his mind anymore, he needed to cool himself off and he needed to go away from other people. He walked to the door and when he had already placed his hands on the handle, someone knocked.

Kaidan took a deep breath and reminded himself of the integrity he had tried to keep. He opened slowly and the graceful looking Lady Rahna stood in the door way with a tablet with food. She looked up when Kaidan opened the door a little more and smiled at him gentle.

“We missed you at dinner; I thought I bring you some of it.” She said softly and waited for Kaidan to ask her him. When he did, she placed the table on the table and waited for Kaidan to join her.

“Lady Rahna, it’s too kind of you. But we have servants for that, no need to do it yourself.” Kaidan said and hoped she’ll understand his hint he wasn’t in the mood for visitors.

“Well I thought you might be pleased to…” She hesitated. “To spent some time with me. It had been many years since we last saw each other.”

Kaidan looked at her honest smile at him and breathed out relented. She came in ignorance, it would be unfair to punish her for someone else misdeeds, Kaidan thought and closed the door. Then he ordered his robe and offered Rahna a seat.

 

John walked in the Orchard of the Alenkos and looked for further memories in his childhood. He remembered running between the trees and chasing each other. Only when they caught each other, the placed kisses on each other’s cheek than punching with fists like other boys. Sometimes, Kaidan and he rode off on horses to the Great Salt Lake where they practiced with swords before sharing their affection. It was beautiful days he had spent here and then there were dark days, John remembered when he looked up to the moon.

_It was a night like this when Kaidan had come to his dungeon cell, with the key to his door in his bloody hands. John closed his eyes when he thought of the screams before his door and the blue light in the hallway before Kaidan kicked the iron gate open. He had grabbed his hand and ran away from the Orchard. John still remembered the way they had taken. The moon was shining bright that night so the path they rode down was well lit. He didn’t dare to stop until Kaidan had run with him into their shelter at the Great Salt Lake._

_“What’s the matter?!” John asked when the stopped and Kaidan hastily pressed himself on John, kissing him wildly and crying._

_“I heard her talking about killing you.” Kaidan said with a trembling voice. “I couldn’t take the chance.”_

_John grabbed Kaidan’s hand and looked at the blood almost dry on his fingers. “What’s with that? Whose blood is this?” When Kaidan didn’t answer John rattled him not ungentle. “Kaidan, look at me, what did you do?”_

_Kaidan made a painful gesture. “Sir Alfred…” Kaidan began to shake. “He kept the key for my mother.”_

_“Did you kill him?” John asked serious, feeling the rising nervousness in his guts._

_Kaidan looked around and then down to his blood fingers. Like he had seen it for the first time, his hands shook uncontrolled and he kneeled down. “I don’t know. I hit him with the candle holder. He was bleeding, but…” Kaidan stroked with his hand over the scar on his back head where Sir Alfred had hit him when he was at John’s cell the first time. “I don’t think he’s dead… When I moved him in the corner, he was still breathing.” Kaidan said slowly remembering what he did. When he finished he looked up at John. “I’ve hidden some cloth and food here. You can hide here; I’ll come to visit you as often as I can.” Kaidan said fast. “And when my mother returns to the castle you can come home with me.”_

_John looked at Kaidan with traumatized eyes and nodded slowly. Then he kissed him and pulled Kaidan closer to him. “By the gods, I missed you…” He kissed him again and again. “When will your mother be going back?”_

_“In a week.” Kaidan said hasty opening John’s thin cotton pants. “Then we can go join the legions, just like we talked about.”_

_John also opened Kaidan’s shirt and kissed him everywhere and then the tears left his eyes. “I missed you so much.” He couldn’t stop kissing his lover. He couldn’t stop touching him, holding him tight. “We can stand through this.” He whispered._

John came back to the presents by the call of his name. He turned around and saw Lady Alenko standing under a tree looking at him grimly. John made a subtle nod and waited for the Lady to approach him.

“You should not have come back.” She said quietly yet strong.

“I’m pleased to see you remember me, my lady.” John answered politely and turned to her.

She stopped with her iron gesture before him and John felt the shiver going down his spine. After all these years, her presence still filled him with unpleasant chills. She checked on John’s black and red robes, thick velvet and hardened leather and John could see the sneer in her face when her lip wrinkle twitched. She then looked up to him and fixed him with her green eyes.

“How could I forget you?” she said cold and then looked down the road where he and Kaidan once escaped. “I let you go once because of an agreement; do I need to remind you of that?”

John clenched his teeth. “I kept it, didn’t I?”

“Part of it.” She said. “It’s also part of our agreement for you never to come back! Or should I think your word is worth nothing, Centurion?”

“I didn’t promise you anything. I left because Kaidan needed to go to the citadel. I left because I did what I thought was right and not because of an agreement.” John came to her and faced her with a sinister glance. “I wasn’t afraid of your threat back then and I’m not now.”

“You should be.” Her mouth tightened. “Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t hope for him to choose you, he won’t. He knows where he belongs to. And that is not in a cave with you. You know that. Do us all a favor and go away. There is no place for people like you here.”

“You’re right. This is not a place for people like me. It’s also not the place for Kaidan. I should have taken him with me years ago instead of leaving him with you.” John tried to keep his voice low but somehow all the injustice she had done to him all over the years came together at once. He felt the hate towards her and the embodiment of the torture and misery in his childhood stood there triumphing over him made him so mad. The thought he had killed hundreds of men on the other edge of the world just for such evilness to live on in his home. “He’s a good man and he does not need poisoned words of yours in his ear.”

Before his voice vanished in the ear, she already raised her hand and slapped him hard on the face. “How dare you…” she said trembling. “You filthy dirty boy.” She raised her hand again but this time John caught it before she could hit him.

“Lady Alenko, due all respect. You don’t really want to do this.” John said controlled. He let her arm go and stroke his face where her palm left a big red mark. “Why do you hate me so much?” His suddenly sounded amused but Lady Alenko only bristled with rage.

“You’re the growths in Kaidan’s pure soul, the stone in his way and the embodiment of temptation. I should have you killed years ago.” She clenched her teeth and tried to keep a graceful appearance while her face burned with wrath. John couldn’t tell how red she was in the face, but he felt the fury she was in.

“Do you really think I’m the one who had tainted him? Or are you just jealous because he preferred listened to my so-called lies than to your songs; because he loved me more than you? Admit, deep inside you, you’ve always known, Kaidan rather be my dirty bitch than you divine son.” He leaned in close to her and whispered the last few words into her ears.

Lady Alenko stepped away from John a little and she had twisted her fingers hard into each other not to burst into anger. John felt good in the moment of payback. Year after year she had tortured him mentally with her sharp words and sneers. She had never treated him like equal or been nice towards him. But now he had to remind himself not to go too far. In the end she was still the Lady of his homeland and he had sworn to protect them. He should not forget his position.

“John Shepard, you have gone too far this time.” She said eventually and pulled a letter out from her pocket. “You should have taken the offer to marry Ashley when you still could. But with your arrogance and greed you’ve forfeit the opportunity.”

“By the gods, do you think I’ve done all this because I wanted to gain wealth and power?” John had to laugh.

“No, I know you don’t.” She waved with the letter. “But I would like to know what my husband thinks of you when he reads this.” She handed the letter over to John and the centurion took it fast and went to a torch in the garden.

Although it was bright in the moonlight, it was still hard to read the letter. It was addressed to the Lord Alenko by the high priest of Elysium, one of the most respected persons. In the letter, he let the Lord know of his concerns about the young Centurion who had come home to be wed with Ashley. In the letter, he had revealed the past of John, who had been accused of poisoning Kaidan and cheating his vows. It failed when Lady Alenko came behind the fraud quick and ended it without any circus. Not years later he accused the once young boy planning cheating the name of Alenko again, this time with the three time widowed Lady Ashley.

John couldn’t believe what he was reading. The priest spoke of him as a boy of thousand faces, who mastered the art of disguise and learned the way to speak the right words into right ears. A boy whose must been either sent by their enemies to corrupt the house or as a punishment of the gods for the unfaithful one. All what he had done in the past was used against him; from his innocent honesty towards Kaidan and his brave actions on the field. It was all formed and placed into the right spot to mark him as a cheater.

John finished the letter and looked at Lady Alenko shocked. “This letter is full of lies.” He said and she smiled.

“It is a letter of truth; written by the high priest himself. Who would question his word?” She walked towards him and took the letter out of his hand. “You should have listened to me when I asked you to leave.”

“What do you want to do with that?”

“Give it to my husband.” She sneered with satisfaction.

“He won’t believe you. I’ve fought for him for five years. He knows me better than you think.”

“What if he does? He might be on your side, but what should he do? Officially question the word of the priest? Question the gods?” She looked up to John. “And don’t tell me you and Kaidan both had something to say. He was a foolish boy and you’re the traitor.”

“What do you want?” John once again clenched his teeth.

“You know what I want.” She nodded.

“If you think I’ll run because of some false accusation, you don’t know me well enough.” John said strong and Lady Alenko nodded.

“No, I don’t expect you to run because of the accusations, I expect you to go by yourself because your sense of duty and love for this country.” She put the letter back into her pocket and stepped a little away from John and the torch.

Suddenly John had started to laugh. He laughed loud and walked around while he laughed a little more. “Oh by the god, you’re planned it all along, didn’t you?” He came towards him. “I bet you never intended to marry Ashley to anyone, didn’t you? You wanted only for Kaidan to wed. You knew Lord Alenko would pass down the command of his legions to his daughter’s husband and you wanted to prevent it from the beginning. And when you know it’s me it was just perfect for you isn’t it?”

“You’re smarter than I thought.” She nodded.

“You knew I won’t let you give this letter to Lord Alenko. You knew he’ll have no choice by charge me with treason and fraud. You knew I won’t let this happen. You knew I won’t risk my duty for desire. You knew I’ll go back to the legions instead of facing the charges.” John nodded laughing at himself. “I knew you’ll go far, but I never thought you’ll buy the priest to lie to your own husband to get what you want.”

“You shouldn’t have underestimated me, centurion.” She said.

“What make you think I’ll surrender under your threat?” John didn’t want to give up. But he must admit her plan was great. She had calculated well.

“A messenger came tonight before dinner. The tribes in the mountains are ruthless; they might need your help. You can stay here to face the charges and hope for the conviction overturned, or you could go to my husband and ask him to send you back to the battlefield. Just think of it. Would you risk the life of all of your men just for Kaidan?” She whispered. “Think of it John. For the sake of the realm, is your love worth the lives of your legion?” Then she stepped away from him and turned to go. But before she went too far, she turned around to him again. “Oh centurion, my offer as a time limit. At dawn I’ll do what I must do.”

She left John standing under the lantern and he just felt the same defeat he was five years ago. Once again she had triumphed over him. John felt so betrayed and when the thought of the words in her letter, he felt the hatred rise. When he rode to the Orchard in his armor, he felt invincible and all the battles he had fought, he started to believe, no one could hurt him anymore. But he barely spent one day in the Orchard, he had experience despair again.

John sat down at the bench and looked up to Kaidan’s chamber with the light coming out of its window. John walked around under the trees thinking of a solution. But somehow his minds were blocked by the thought; he needed to talk to Kaidan right away. He wanted to see him and tell him everything. He wanted to share his despair and tell him the truth. He couldn’t handle the thought to just ride away in the morning, leaving Kaidan in the belief he loved his duty more than him. And there he walked back to the castle and towards Kaidan’s room.

He ran up the stairs and his fast steps echoed in the stairway. He suddenly felt race against time and if he wanted succeed, he had to precious every second. John opened Kaidan’s bedroom door without knocking. “Kaidan?” He called quietly and then he heart two people talking in the library. He quickly pushed himself against a wall out of sight and listened closely.

First he heard Kaidan’s voice without understood his words. Then a woman answered. John knew that voice. It was Rahna. His heart bumped once hard in his chest. A strange feeling he wasn’t unfamiliar with felt over him. Then blood rushed in him, his breaths became shorter and flatter. His heart bumped fast and hard. The strength left his arms and legs. Suddenly he had the urge to vomit followed by the dumb anger. John felt the need to scream and walk to them and catch them in middle of their act so he could have a reason to yell at them and accuse them of all the hateful things he could think off. But he reminded himself he needed to be calm and observe first before he acts.

Kaidan spoke again, this time more clear. Then Rahna answered. “It’s an honor to be your bride.” Her voice was clear and she sounded happy.

John clenched his teeth and a painful expression rushed to his face. He leaned against the wall, trying not to make a sound. It would be so embarrassing. He waited for Kaidan to say something else, but he heard nothing. Then a door was opened and he heard Rahna excused herself. Then he bumped his head against the wall and cursed. Why was he so impatient? Kaidan asked him to come at night, he should come at night. Then he wouldn’t have to listen to this. He asked himself if Kaidan was playing with him. Lady Alenko had told him he shouldn’t hope for Kaidan to choose him, did she mean this? Did she know about this? John couldn’t wait to pack his things and run away from the Orchard. Suddenly coming back to the Orchard seemed to be a bad idea for him. Every corner he went to his memories were haunting him. He could see himself and Kaidan in every corner, in every bed.

Kaidan closed the door after Rahna went away and bumped his head on the door. _What are you doing?_ He thought. _Was it enough to save John?_ He walked into his bedroom and towards the terrace. He needed fresh air. He needed to clear his mind. Soon, John would be here and then he needed to find to right words to tell him what he did. Explain why he did it and maybe when the gods are merciful tonight, John would understand. On his half way out of the room, he saw the door to his bedroom opened. He turned around and saw John leaning on the wall, his sad eyes fixed on him.

“Are you really going to marry her?” John asked.

Kaidan nodded and looked ashamed to the ground.

“Do I have to understand this?” John whispered and Kaidan closed his eyes to cry inside. When he opened his eyes again to look at John he saw the hurt and the pain. John opened his lips to speak but closed it again.

“I guess I should go then.” John said and Kaidan nodded.

Kaidan closed his eyes and cried inside. He didn’t want to tell John this way. He wanted to wait for John tonight, when he came and he’ll tell him he had changed his mind. He needed to grow up and fulfill his duty. He would be Lord after his father and secure the Alenko line. But it was too late. John had heard the conversation and he knew Kaidan is going to marry. Maybe he would go away and maybe his mother then will spare his life.

When Kaidan thought of how powerful the house Alenko was, he feared for John. Lady Alenko could easily hire someone to stab John in the back on the battlefield if she wanted, and maybe if he accepted a bride would make her merciful.

John walked slowly towards the door and he hoped, Kaidan would stop him. He hoped Kaidan would yell after him, tell him he loves him and all he did was because he had to do it. He wanted to hear Kaidan tell him, how sorry he was and ask him to stay at his side. He wanted hear Kaidan tell him never to leave him again.

But no matter how slow he walked, Kaidan didn’t say a word. John reached the door and then stopped. He took the golden ring from his neck and weighted in his hand. He had carried it for six years. Five of them he hadn’t seen his husband, and the first one was filled with suffering and distance. John stroked it and missed the weight around his neck.

“Kaidan, I wish you many sons. I wish a happy and lovely life.” He said and put the ring on the table. And suddenly Kaidan called him to stop. His face was red from crying and the sadness made John’s heart twist.

“Why are you saying that?” Kaidan came towards him. “You know I would never be happy without you. You know I’m not doing this out of love.” He wiped his tears away and tried to stop weeping. “You know you have casted a spell on me the day we met. In the dirt on the street, from that moment on, I knew I’ll belong to you.”

“Kaidan, we were just kids.” John said.

“But I knew I was yours. I have never wanted someone else than you.” Kaidan had stopped the tears floating. “But I have duties.”

“I know.” John nodded. “And I’m not mad at you. I’m just… hurt.”

Kaidan took the chain and put it gently around John’s neck. “Keep it, know I always love you. But I also love my country and my people. For the sake of the realm, I need to be the man people expect of me.” Kaidan came closer to John and placed his head on his shoulder.

John held Kaidan tight, and his fingers clenched into Kaidan’s back and as someone was dragging him away from him, he wanted to hold him tighter. Then embraced with passion and John couldn’t stop his tears. He nodded to tell Kaidan he understand his motivation but at the same time, the infinite sadness in Kaidan’s eyes made him want to comfort him, kiss him, hold him tight and promise the world to him; only in hope he could smile again.

They let their self-pity overcome them and for a moment, they just wept into each other’s arms silently; dealing with their misery and pain together. John thought of each of Kaidan’s word and suddenly the situation finally made sense to him. He started to laugh. Louder and louder. Kaidan took his head away from his shoulder and in his face was this asking look again. But John just looked at the situation like he wasn’t there. He laughed some more and then gentle grabbed Kaidan’s shoulders.

“We were so foolish.” He said whispered. “so foolish. We played us right into your mother’s game. And we played well. We were perfect pawns.”

“I don’t understand, John. What are you talking about?” Kaidan asked.

“I guess, she had come to you, too. Reminding you of your duties and what people expect of you. Left you no other way but cast me away, didn’t she.” He saw the surprise in Kaidan’s eyes and he couldn’t stop laughing. He knew he was right and he must admit, this time, Lady Alenko had surpassed herself in the game. “Don’t you see it? This is exactly what she intended. First she comes to you to make her threat. What did she say? If you don’t cast me away she’ll kill me? Accuses me of crimes I didn’t commit? And if you want to save me, you should agree to the marriage?”

Kaidan stepped away from John a little and started breathing heavily. “What did she tell you?”

“She had a letter, full of lies and accusation from the priest. The same game she played when she let him release you of your vows. If I don’t go, she’ll take everything from me.” John walked away from Kaidan and sat down to take a drink. He needed it.

“What will you do?” Kaidan asked.

“What can I do? I have to go; otherwise she’ll show the letter to your father, so he could strip me of my rank, my name and my duty.” John finished the cup and purred some more. “I have to return to the battlefield tomorrow. She was right, I won’t abandon my men. I have to go back and fight at their side.”

Kaidan leaned against the wall and nodded. “So this is it?” He sounded sad but not more than he should be and it didn’t occur to John.

“This is it? You just want to let she win?” He asked.

Kaidan didn’t like the tone John was saying that. “She has already won. You’re going away and I just agreed to the engagement. What can we do more?”

“You can come with me.” John said fast. “Join me in the war. You always wanted to be a fight and this is your change.”

“I can’t.” He shook his head. “I can’t just run away with you to war. Who’s going to take care of the realm?”

“Don’t tell me this is what you want to do. You’ve been away from home for five years; don’t pretend it’s so important you have to stay here now.” John stood up. “If you stay here, you lose.”

“We’ve already lost. I just proposed.” Kaidan looked angry and stepped forward. “What do you expect? Go to her and say I can’t do it. I’m not a child anymore, I need to take responsibility. You’re right, I’ve abandoned my home for years, but now it’s not too late to take on my duty.”

“You sound like your mother.” John sneered and Kaidan rushed to him and grabbed his arm.

“Not you, John!” He closed his fingers tight around John’s arm. “I know you don’t like her, but she’s right. I need to be the man people expect of me. This is my home and my people. I need to take care of them.”

“And so do I. Do you think I don’t love my country and my people? Do you think I’ve been slaying people just for fun? I’ve done terrible things to keep this piece of land in peace, so your high lords and lady can still dine in serenity.” John freed himself from his grip. “I’m offering a chance here, Kaidan. Come with me and prove you’re more than a pawn in your mother’s game.”

“Now, you want me to come with you?” Kaidan pushed John. “Now I’m not the man I need to be. Five years ago I wanted to come with you, and you said no. Now what’s different?”

John didn’t answer. He didn’t know how to share this thought. Why did he want Kaidan to join him? So they could be together, away from his mother and ride off in the dream they always had?

Kaidan looked at him angrily and shook his head. “John, what’s the difference between now and five years ago? I can’t see any. I was a lost boy wanting to stay with you and you decided to go. You left me in the belief you needed to do your duty and I was better off without you. Things hadn’t changed. Just because you’re a knight now doesn’t make you a better match. Why can’t you just leave it the way it is and go with it?”

“The way it is? Stealing time, playing games and hiding around? What after your wedding. Do you expect me to climb in your bed after you’ve shared it with your rightful wife?” John said loud.

“What if?” Kaidan sounded he was really considering it.

“No! I’m a centurion of the legion; I can’t and will not be your mistress. Have you heard your own words?”

“Yes I have and I mean it. This,” He pointed between them. “This is not meant to be. I start to believe, annulling our marriage was meant to be. I start to believe what we had, was against the gods’ will. Don’t tell me you don’t!”

“I must have misheard you. Kaidan, what happened to you? Today morning you told me how much you loved me and now you’re having doubts in everything we had!”

“I do. I love you and my heart wants you, still. But I’m not eighteen and you’re not sixteen anymore. We can’t just take what we want.” The mage finished and sat down on a chair, buried his face in his hands.

John stood in front of him and forced himself not to raise his voice again. “What should we do? Tell me what I should do?”

“Start by telling the truth. Why did you leave five years ago?” Kaidan took the wine and finished the glass with one gulp. “I wanna know what is different now.”

John came to the table and sat down with Kaidan. “Nothing is different. My feelings for you are the same and…” He hesitated. “The truth is, back then your mother knew about us. She knew where I was hiding. Kaidan you must understand. The two weeks you promised turned to months and your mother was still in the Orchard. I was ruthless and desperate. I couldn’t go on hiding forever.”

“She found you?” Kaidan said signing.

“She told me about the realm, keeping together by the Alenkos. She told me what man you must be. She told me you needed to go to the citadel and I knew you’re not going to leave without me. And she convinced me I had to let you go, for your own sake and the sake of the realm.”

“That’s it?” Kaidan looked at him bitterly.

“That’s it. And it’s the same what she was doing with me now; playing my sense of duty against my desire for you. Last time I made a mistake by going without you and this time I don’t want to make this mistake again.” John said and took Kaidan’s hand. “That’s why I’m asking you to come with me.”

Kaidan took his hand away from John fast and signed. “You know, all these years I asked myself so many times, if I did something wrong so you left me eventually.”

“I didn’t leave you.” John added but stopped when Kaidan looked at him sinister.

“All these years I thought you were dead.” Kaidan said grimly. “I had tried to forget what we had. You know what was also in my mind. I had the thought I had wasted my entire youth with fighting for being with you.” Kaidan stood up and walked in his solar. “From the day I was moved to the Orchard, I supposed to be training as a mage; I supposed to learn so I can become the man my family expected of me. But instead I’ve spent it with you. Do you realize how much time we had put our effort in running away from other people so we can be together? Do you realize where I could be if I didn’t meet you?”

“How could you say this?” John stood up and came to his side. “What we had was pure and I don’t recall I’ve forced you to do anything you didn’t want to!”

“I start to question what we had.” Kaidan walked around and gave John some angry glimpses and some ashamed one. “John! Understand it. The last five years in the citadel, I spent it somehow in peace. I was starting getting over the past and this! Coming back supposed to be my last test. If I pass it I might finally find peace. I was weak when I saw again. I give in into pleasure and desire. I’ve failed, but it’s not too late for me to make the right decision! And it is I’ve wasted my youth with you! I’ve spent years with fighting a war with a predicted ending! I have enough of it! I’m tired! John! I want peace! I want freedom! I want to be the man my family needs me to be!”

“No!” John said driven. “No Kaidan! You need to be the man you want to be! How can you talk of peace if you surrender to the chains of your family? How can you speak of freedom if you live with the shame of silence? If you don’t revolt against the expectation of others, how could you be proud of yourself?” John came closer to him. “Don’t blame it on me because you want to give up! Don’t blame me to temp you when you’re not strong enough to show courage! Wed a woman you don’t love and father some sons you didn’t want isn’t the right decision! You think it would be over if I leave again and not come back for five more years? You think if I go away, the temptation is gone? You’ve never like girls like you like men; don’t tell yourself, if you agree to this marriage you’ll keep your vows? What do you expect? You could find joy with her for few months and then you’ll miss the pleasure with men. What do you want to do? Say the gods had given you a new test? Admit you’ve failed when you let the stall boy into your bed? Do you want to spend your life in denial? Deny you love men. Deny us, deny me? Deny yourself until the end of your life?”

John finished and he couldn’t believe what he just said. The fury in him suddenly burst into flames and he felt the anger in him. He looked at Kaidan trembling and the mage seemed truly surprised by him. He only starred into his eyes. Kaidan felt the rushing blood in his veins. John’s words had made him mad. He wanted to shout back but his shock about this tiger of a man that came out of nothing.

“It’s not denial!” Kaidan eventually said. “It’s me taking responsibility. You’re right about everything. You’re right about me loving men, loving you and loving what we had together. But why can’t you understand, I’m not anyone. In the moment I can into this world, my life was predicted! I’ll grow up to be lord and if not I’ll be serving in the name of my family at court! I’m not someone who could choose what to do! You had the gift to take what you want. You wanted to be a centurion and you made it! You wanted to be the best fighter and you made it! Don’t come back and judge me!” Kaidan said trembling. When he started he could feel the hot flashes. “It doesn’t matter what I want, it only matters what I need to be. Don’t you see it? All my life long I’ve done thing that is expected of me. Before the citadel it was you expecting me to love you and I’ve never disappointed you. In the citadel I did what the masters expected of me. And now it’s my duty to fulfill my family’s expectation.” Kaidan said and sat down.

John walked towards him slowly and put his hands softly on Kaidan’s shoulder and stroked his head. “But what about you? What about what you expect of yourself?”

Kaidan shook his head and leaned against John. “No one ever asked what I want. No one cared what I want.”

“I do.” John said gently. “I care what you want.” He kneeled down to place a kiss on Kaidan’s head. “Kaidan, maybe it is really about time for you to do something you want.”

“Don’t temp me.” The mage said. “I don’t have the freedom to do what I want. We are different people, we had always been. No one ever expected something of you. I was the only person that ever wanted something from you and paid attention to you. I was the only person that was willing to love you and give you tenderness.”

“That why I really loved you, Kaidan.” John took his hand and kissed it. “Sometimes you just need to courage to dare. Take what you want.”

“It’s so easy to say for you.” Kaidan laughed. “You have everything you ever wanted. You have your army, your duty, your championship. You’ve become the man you wanted to be. You even have the love of my father that was withheld from me. John, it’s easy to take something if you had nothing.”

“I had you!” John stood up. “Kaidan listen. I came back for you. If you want to stay in your self-pity, go ahead. But if you finally can bring the courage, take what you want, you can come with me. I had gone down a long way just I could be here tonight. Don’t let it be in vain.”

Kaidan didn’t answer but looked out of the window. “Why can’t we take the easy path once a while?” Kaidan whispered.

“There is no easy path for destiny. Anything you want in life, the gods would ask you for a sacrifice.” John said quietly and looked at Kaidan.

“Yeah sacrifice.” Kaidan nodded. “John, you know I want you. It would tear my heart apart if I let you go again. But I’m not sure if I could bring the sacrifice to be with you.”

John signed and went for the door. “I’ll be leaving tomorrow at dawn. If you had made a decision by then, you know where to find me. This time, I won’t wait months in a rocky cave.” John said straight and went out the door.

 

 


	10. Expectations

John sat in his pavilion, his face in his hands and bend over the bed. The boy next to him moved softly when he climbed out of the matrass but didn’t wake up. John took the wine jug from the table and poured himself another cup. He knew he wasn’t supposed to drink that much, but he needed at least something to numb his anguish. The wine flew done his throat and the following dizziness calmed his mind. He watched over the village they had freed this afternoon with many losses and John asked himself when the gods would stop asking for sacrifices. .

Since he came back, he had commanded his legion with a brutality and mercilessness he didn’t expect of himself. He had captured more men than before and the fury that led him into victory scared himself as well as his enemy. John closed his eyes and in front of it he saw the dying men screaming. He smiled a little and sipped again. At least he was only seeing dying men and not Kaidan.

A week ago, John waited at the entrance of the Orchard and hoped; he might glimpse the shape of Kaidan stepping out of the door, asking the stall boy to saddle his horse so he could ride off with him. But when the sun rose only Lord Alenko came out to express his gratitude for his bravery and praised his sense of duty. Then the lord kissed him on the forehead and wished him luck before he returned to the palace. The big wooden door closed behind him and Kaidan didn’t come out.

When he turned around, the stitching pain in his chest numbed him all the way back to the harbor. He rode fast, spurred his horse so fast, people on road jumped out his way when he passed. He didn’t look back. He didn’t dare. He could stand to see Kaidan perhaps standing on his terrace watching him ride away. His heart was torn apart and his eyes dried on the way back to the battlefield.

John looked back at his bed and envied the boy for his ignorance. The boy had done well last night. He obeyed any of John’s wish and when he was using the boy for his body, he was thinking of Kaidan. What would he be doing then? Only a week till his birthday, would be accompany Rahna to the priest and say his vow in front of hundreds of witnesses?

John had received the message two days ago, Lord Black – Rahna’s father - had left the Eyrie for Elysium and he had send his sincere regards to John and gave them a great celebration for the union of the Eyrie and Elysium. The men had taken the meat and wine with gratitude but John had bit his lips not to burst out in tears.

Everywhere he looked, he saw young men fighting for something. When he came across two soldiers being found of each other and whispering sweet words into each other’s ear, John felt he needed to tear them apart and teach them not to love. He wanted to warn them about the pain of loss, he wanted to tell them whenever they swear to each other, it won’t be forever and the day will come, either the sword of the enemy or the change of heart rip them of their love. Rather end it fast and clean before the affection consumed one until all thoughts were driven by it.

John looked over the battlefield. Suddenly what he was doing seemed meaningless to him. He only left his men for less than a month, but the soldier fighting at his side seemed to be strangers to him and the passion for his realm just became a profession. He did what he needed to do. He rode off and fought the battle with the strength his men expected of him, but his own will was broken. Suddenly John realized; winning Kaidan back was what had driven him all these years. In the moment when things became clear to him, he felt the strange shame on him. He shouldn’t have taken credit for the acts of valor people gave him. He didn’t conquer back the castle Eyrie for honor and glory of the empire; he did it because he needed to be a knight. He was hunting for fame because he needed to be a man that can claim Kaidan.

John signed. And in the end, all was in vain. He had been a false champion of glory that had done everything he did for himself. And without an end in sight, he felt lost. _How could I lead the men if I don’t know where to go myself?_ He looked down to the wine and saw the reflection of himself in the moonlight. All he wanted was the love he had as a little boy with another little boy, but suddenly, before he could blink, the little boy grew up to be a man. Suddenly the little boy had other plans and casted him away.

 

_I’ve casted him away._ Kaidan thought and tossed a stone into the water and disturbed the once peaceful reflection of the moon. The Great Salt Lake reached out to the horizon and he let the wind wave on his face with sand grains. His robe flew in wind and his bare feet grabbed deep into the sand. _You need to say goodbye._ Kaidan reminded himself. _You’ve casted him away._

Watching John leave in the rising sun light was the hardest thing he could do. Kaidan had stood there hoping for John to turn around. If he did, he could still have the hope, maybe one day, he would come back. Maybe next year or maybe in ten years, if John had turned for him, he would know, John had hoped himself.

Kaidan walked into the lake and let the warm water wash his feet. Two week. John had been gone for two weeks and still he couldn’t stop weeping. He wiped away his tears but hardly had he dried his cheek, more hot tears left his eye to remind him of the pain he had put on himself. He had dreamed of the day when he could return to the Orchard with John, sitting in the shade of the Orange trees and enjoy the day. Or they could oil each other and go fighting with swords at the lake’s shore. If they were tired from the sword fighting, they would just lie on the beach and let the water wash them. And then one of them would start.

Kaidan had to sob uncontrollable. He loves John so much and watching his love ride off, filled his heart with darkness. In the moment, he couldn’t find the right word to describe his hatred for this place.

All the bad memories he had come back and flushed his mind. He remembered John being beaten in the courtyard; the powerlessness he felt when he saw John dangled on the tree. Once again it was their love which had forced him to be a murderer. The hangman died and also one of the house guard, burned to death in holy fire.

He hated his mother walking around these halls forcing John to hide. He hated the late night meet up under the trees where they were forced to love under the sky like they were forbidden lovers. The cowardice of them filled him with shame and rage. What would it be if they had proudly showed who they were? What if they had fought for the right to be together instead letting the birth forced them out of their bed?

He hated all the men around them; especially the wash women who had gossip at the well; letting the rumors find their way into Lady Alenko’s ear. _Would everything be different if my mother never heard of the rumors?_ He could have managed to take John to the citadel. Some of the mage had brought their steward with them. John could have been his servant and maybe they would still be together. Yet John decided to go his own way.

Suddenly his hate turned against the healer who had given Lady Alenko the potion, the high priest who had declared their marriage invalid, the knight who had punched John and the prison guard, who had hid him on the head.

Kaidan cried. In the end, he felt it was his own fault. His false pride had cost him everything. Was it so difficult to ask his mother for forgiveness when she threatened to kill John? Why did he need to run? He could have asked her for forgiveness once more, when she had locked John away. But he decided to fight and break him free. When John decided to go, he could have begged him to stay. He could have promised he ask his mother for forgiveness so she could let John come home. But he didn’t. His pride let him do nothing.

But none of that happened. He did nothing but stealing out of the Orchard and meet John in the cave. He did nothing to change his situation, he only took it as it was and went on with it. And now, finally, John came back with a perfect solution to fulfill his dreams of being a fighter and stay at his side, he was so stubborn he couldn’t give up what he had. And he let the chance pass by.

Kaidan sunk together on the shore and refused to believe, all his hope was over. John won’t come back again, one day, he would be invited to a Lord’s castle and they would introduce him to a handsome second-born knight and John would accept their offer. His John would marry another man, give him the vows he had given Kaidan. Then he could share his bed; legitimately, without hiding and without stealing.

He felt like a mess; without a clear thought and nowhere to go. He cried and cried. When his tears dried on his face, he cried again. He looked at the pale blue sky and wished he could have wings and just fly away, but all he had was fire. The holy fired burned in him and it was no use but to cause harm in the word. The fire never helped him accomplish anything in his life. He exalted in the most loving moment of his life and after that, the fire had murdered good men so he could protect the boy he loved. Then was the citadel, old men with hundred years of experience written on their faces, teaching him how not to use it. But now when the fire burned in him, Kaidan didn’t want to hold it anymore.

He was holding back his all life. The natural gift, the gods had blessed him with was a weapon to anyone but John. Only with John he could be what he was. John wasn’t afraid of his fire and no matter how hot he burned. Kaidan felt the fire on his skin. It tickled. Like it was an extension of his mind and his body he let the fire burn free.

The water in the lake began to steam and then the wave of flames chased over the surface without doing any harm. The white steam of the water rose high into the sky where the blue of his fire caught it and burned it. When the sun finally came out, the flame in Kaidan’s heart had burned out, yet the water in the lake was still the same, only the trace of salt on his body giving away his rage. His cloths were half burned and his eyes finally dry.

“We must all do what we have to do, my son.” A deep full voice said behind him.

Kaidan turned around and saw his father. The old lord was dressed in simple garment and looked at his son with sad eyes. “Father…” Kaidan said with his husky voice and walked towards him not unashamed.

“You have great power, don’t waste it.” The Lord said and took off his cloak to put it around Kaidan’s shoulders. “Come home, today is an important day.”

Kaidan nodded and walked with his father in silence. He hadn’t been close to his father for many years and somehow in the most vulnerable moment he felt closer to him.

“Have you always done things people expected of you?” Kaidan asked eventually.

The lord signed and then answered slowly. “Everything. Like my father had taught me.” His steps were still strong and his chest bride. But something in his voice told Kaidan, he wasn’t that proud of himself like he should be. “The Alenkos had always done what the family expected of us. After my brother died, it was my duty to take the realm. I never asked for its reign, but I took it without questioning. It was expected of me.” The lord signed again. “When they asked me to take the young daughter of House Williams as my wife to secure our alliance, I did without asking. It was expected of me. When Ashley’s mother died, I took another wife like expected of me to secure alliances.”

“I understand father.” Kaidan nodded and clenched his teeth. “I must do what is expected of me.”

“The Alenkos are reliable and honorable because people can trust us. We aren’t impulsive, unpredictable and irresponsible. We are the foundation of the empire, old nobility that does what is expected of them.” The old lord stopped and Kaidan stopped with him. He reached out a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder softly and looked him into his eyes. “Kaidan, do you understand what it means?”

“I understand, father.” Kaidan nodded.

The old lord shook his head and signed. “You just said it because you think I expect this answer.” He shook his head again. “It means; we Alenkos are maybe some of the unhappiest creatures in this realm.”

“Now I don’t understand.”

“I’ve done things all my life, what I should do but not what I want to do. I have taken two wives I don’t love and fought in four wars I didn’t want to be part of. All my life I’ve done things expected of me in my position and I’ve past down the family values I don’t like on to my children, because it is expected.”

Kaidan looked at him surprised. “Father…”

“I see the sorrow in your eyes and it reminded me of me. I once had friend, a beautiful young man with golden hair. He was the fairest of all men in Elysium and the subject of my secret affection. But I was already lord and he only a knight. I went into marriage never dared to reach out of the sweetness of love. And now in my twilight years, I regret I’ve not told him about my feelings. I’ve spent thirty years in regret and I see the same regret in the eyes of my son. Don’t waste your life.” The lord said and took his hand away from Kaidan’s shoulder. Then he clapped it twice and walked down the road. Kaidan stood behind confused and watched his father go back.

Back at the Orchard, the servants had built up pavilions and long tables full of fruits and drinks. The had chosen the biggest Orange tree in the Orchard and a carpet was place in front of it and some pillows on top of it. They had marked the spot where the priest would stand and take their vows. It was the Alenko tradition to wed in front of a tree and when Kaidan saw that one, he clenched his teeth again. Five, almost six years ago, he said the vows with John exactly before this tree and now thinking of leading Rahna there filled him with sadness again.

His mother hurried towards him. He barely heard what she was saying and followed her. He led the servants wash him, dress him and put him into blue velvet with silver again in the color of the Alenkos and he let his mother talk while she ran around him, draping him with jewelry and necklaces. But all his thoughts were with the words of his father.

The ceremony wasn’t big for the wedding. Three dozen guests came, mostly lords nearby and knights in the service of their house. He stood before the tree and starred at the bark.

_He remembered the time when he was kneeling there, waiting for John. When his lover came, he kneeled at his side and placed a long and tender kiss on his lips before they spoke the vow. John had put on his best cloth, a cotton shirt and a pair of pants without holes. And on his head, he was wearing a crown made of grass blades. Kaidan had made fun of it later, but John said; he wanted to look pretty on the day of his marriage. When they had bond the ribbon of love around their hand, they kissed again; long and tender before they loved under the tree._

Now Kaidan waited until Lord Black gave the hand of his daughter to him. Kaidan looked at the beautiful Rahna. Her dress in green was elegance and the silk felt down her body like waterfall. She smiled at him decently and Kaidan took her hand hesitating. Then he looked over to his father and the lord nodded subtle. Kaidan took a deep breath and then he let go of Rahna’s hand.

 


	11. Red and blue banners

John put his sword into the chest of a rebel and pulled it out again with a loud battle scream. The rest of the soldiers along his side also screamed the battle cry. Then together, they screamed three times, telling each other, the fighting was done. John looked around into the faces of his fellow soldiers and nodded accomplished when most of his people were still alive. A young solider came to his side and John pulled his head to him and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“You fought well, James!” He told the boy, not older than sixteen and he smiled wide. Blood had covered his face, only his bright brown eyes were clean from the dirt of the battle. “Run back to camp; tell them the battle is over.” James took off and the rest of the men cheered.

He walked around the field and looked at the piles of corpses. Two men holding another came to John and tossed the rebel dressed in fur and leather to his feet.

“I won’t say anything!” The man said and John took his bastard sword and swan it few times. The man looked at the blood covered steel and then to John’s piercing blue eyes and started to shiver.

“I only ask you once, where are the rest of your men?” John looked at him strict. “There are barely two hundred men today, where is the rest of the army? Where does the general plan to attack?”

“I’ll tell you everything if you grant me my life…” The man trembled from fear and begged. “Please, I’ll tell you everything.”

“Good, start!” John said and put his sword away.

The men released him from their grip and the men started to mumble. He didn’t know much, John found out soon, but at least he knew, the rest of the army was camping in the mountains in the east. They had sneaked into their territory like he had feared and is going to attack two nights from now. John nodded acknowledged and thanked the man.

“Are you letting me go?” The man said and wanted to stand up. But John pulled the dagger fast from his belt and pushed it deep into the heart of that man.

“We have to place for traitor.” John said and pulled it out again. The two men next to him looked a little shocked but then nodded.

John climbed on his black horse tired and led his legion back to their camp. Cleaning up and gathering their dead were something he left to the others. John sat proud in the saddle and rode towards the camp where they would find food and drinks served for them and girls and boys waiting for them. John knew he was in bad mood. He had been in bad mood since that certain day. And he didn’t dare to remind him of why he was feeling brutal. He knew he shouldn’t have killed that traitor, maybe he could be more of a use, but once more, he wanted to let the malice to light a little. But deep inside he knew it was because of it. He counted the days. It might been six days since Kaidan had made a sacred vow in front of the gods that had taken all his chances away from him to claim him.

Kaidan had never been to the Mountains of the Eyrie before. The guide brought him close to the mountain pass and then returned. He said he didn’t dare to enter the theater of war and if he wasn’t out of his mind, he won’t want to find the camp either. Kaidan had followed his description and arrived the camp at sunset. A sea of red tents spread on a huge field between two forests. He couldn’t imagine how they could find such an open area in middle a mountain chain. The blue banner of the Alenkos and the red banner of the empire waved on wooden towers between wooden palisading. At the entrance a soldier asked for his intention, and when he said he was from House Alenko, he let him pass. He went for the tent of the commander and jumped of his horse in nervous temper. He ordered his cloth and stepped inside the tent. Kaidan wondered, no one was standing guard in front of his tent and inside a young man sat half naked on the bed and jumped up when Kaidan came in.

“I’m here to speak to centurion Shepard.” Kaidan said and the young man looked at him as surprised as Kaidan looked back.

“He’s not back yet.” The young man said. “He’s leading the men today himself.”

“Oh…” Kaidan said and looked around. “I guess I’ll be waiting…” Kaidan’s words were cut off but the cheers of men outside. He came out and saw a young boy in a legionnaire’s armor covered in blood surrounded by men. They cheered and embraced each other. Kaidan heard the words. “We’ve won!” several times and a smiled came to his lips.

Suddenly few men rushed to John’s tent and stood next to its entrance. An old man came out of nowhere and ran into the tent. Kaidan followed him.

The old men had told the boy back into the bed and started to clean the table. When he noticed Kaidan in the doorway, he looked up.

“Who are you? What do you want?” The man said harsh.

“I need to speak to John. I mean centurion Shepard.” Kaidan answered.

“What do you want? Do you want to join the legion or be the centurion’s lover? Either way we had many of your kind this week. Wait outside. I’ll call you when the centurion has time for you.” The old said and waved to tell Kaidan to go outside.

Kaidan stepped out into the cold and closed his cloak. He stood next to the tent like a supplicant and asked himself why he didn’t answer. He looked around in the camp with gleeful anticipation for John’s return. The hours had felt like an eternity. People ran around him and the camp started to dive into a celebration mood. Torches were lit and everywhere soldiers sat together in tents or at fire pits, sharing cups. An hour before nightfall, he finally saw the long marching line of legionnaire coming towards the camp. And in the very front of the line rode John on his black beauty with shimmering armor in the reflecting torchlight. He looked proud and huge when he came towards the middle of the camp. He waved at his men when they called out in joy. “Centurion! Centurion! Centurion!”

Caught in the cheering mood, Kaidan felt the pride in him. He fancied his John all the way towards his tent. The centurion stopped at the middle of the camp and spoke loud and proudly to his men. He praised them for their bravery and he thanked them for their sacrifice in the name of the empire. Then someone gave him a cup. He raised it and asked all his men to remember the seven fallen soldier today. Then he spit the wine of the ground and told the legion to drink and eat. He told them to rest before they face their nemesis general Alistair on the battlefield in two night, where they could end the war once for all.

Then John got off his horse and the old man in John’s tent rushed to his side. They talked a little then John found the messenger boy again. He embraced him long and then placed a kiss on his forehead again. He told the boy to clean up and take also some wine for himself and send him off. John walked straight into his tent, followed by his servant. But when Kaidan wanted to join them, two soldiers stopped him. “You can enter when they call you.”

 

John walked towards the bathtub standing in the back end of the tent and started to taking off his armor.

“Does the master wish to have a boy tonight?” The servant asked and pointed at the young man in his bed.

“No more boys.” He said and poured water into his face. “Antonius, tell him to get out of my bed!”

The old men hinted the boy to go away and he stood up and walked outside fast with a cloak around his naked body. Then he reached a cup of water to John and said. “Should I call for a girl? To help you relax. The common people say one should take someone after killing.”

John washed the blood of his hand. “I know what they say, but I don’t need anyone.”

The old man shook his head. “It’s not healthy!” He then took a tower to dry John’s hand. “You haven’t had anyone quite a while.”

“Antonius, I don’t need you to count my fucks, it’s none of your business.” John said and sat down on the table. “Go and prepare the feast for the men. Flesh, wine and boys and girls. Whatever they want. There are brave men out there who would gladly take the boy you offer them.”

“I’m just saying. I don’t serve them, I serve you.” Antonius said and walked for the door. Before he went out, a legionnaire came in.

“Centurion,” He said and greeted John by placing his right fist on his chest and then straitened it. “There is a man here to offer his service.”

John looked up but Antonius spoke before him. “Maybe just another who want to join the legion or your bed.”

“There are men waiting to join my bed?” John laughed and looked at the Antonious.

“Of course.” He also laughed. “Local girls, farmer boys. All kinds of people.”

John looked over the map on his table and shook his head. “Legionnaire, what kind is the man outside?”

“He said he’s a mage.” The soldiers answered.

Antonius waved with his hand. “Ah… no. Tell him to go. We have no use for some alchemist or other charlatan.”

“But,” The legionnaire said.

Antonius looked at him angrily. “What is it? Spit it out.”

“He seemed to be a real mage…” He legionnaire said a little uncertain.

“There are no real mages out here…” Antonius added, but John had raised a hand to command him silence.

John looked up. “Did he say where he comes from?”

“He said he’s a mage from the Capital and exalted in the blue flame. And he said he’s from House Alenko.” The legionnaire said and John froze.

_Kaidan?_ “Let him in.” John commanded and took the towel to wipe away the blood on him. Then he ran around the tent, looking for a suitable garment. In a corner he found the velvet robe he had worn when he was at the Orchard and he put it on fast. “Wait…” he said and Antonius rushed again to his side to help him close the knots.

Then John took a fast look in the mirror to make sure there is no more blood in his face and nodded to the legionnaire. Second later, Kaidan came inside the tent and looked at him with big eyes and a smile upon his cheek. John crossed the room fast and stopped right before Kaidan. Then he forced himself not to simper like a schoolboy.

“Jo…” Kaidan said and then he saw the old man and the legionnaire in the room and acted formal. “Centurion, it’s an honor to offer my service to the legions.”

“The honor is on my side. Having a mage on our side would boost the morale of the men.” John nodded.

The legionnaire who had announced Kaidan greeted respectfully and went outside.

Then they just looked at each other. John looked at Kaidan like Kaidan had just told him everything he wanted to hear and Kaidan saw in John’s eyes all the love he needed. They didn’t speak a word and then John looked over to Antonius and subtle hinted for the door. The old man bowed and went outside smiling.

“I didn’t expect to see you…” John then said and carefully raised his hand to touch Kaidan’s face.

“I couldn’t do it.” Kaidan said and smiled wide. “I just couldn’t.”

Then Kaidan leaned in to kiss John. John embraced Kaidan hard and pressed his lips on his. “I maybe can fool the realm, but I couldn’t fool myself. I need you!” Kaidan said and John kissed him more.

“You mother won’t be pleased, and your father either.” John stopped kissing Kaidan and said.

“I don’t care what my mother wants, and about my father. He’s on our side.” He said and kissed John again.

“I’m glad to hear that!” John said and kissed him. “But you’re a little late for the war. It’s almost over.”

Kaidan nodded and kissed John. “But there is still another battle to fight until then. Mind if I join your side?” Kaidan said.

John nodded and couldn’t stop kissing Kaidan. While outside the soldiers celebrated the victory of the battle, Kaidan and John celebrated their own inside. Antonius came back in and interrupted them. He tossed John a knowing glance and smirked while he had put the food on the table. John formally invited Kaidan to dinner and while they ate with Antonius serving them, they couldn’t do much but giving each other kinky glances until the tension was too much. John had commanded Antonius to leave them and the old man hardly walked out of the tent, John had pulled Kaidan on his laps and they melted their lips together.

Kaidan looked up between kisses and looked at John questioned. “When I first talked to your servant, he asked me if I wanted to join the legion or be your lover.”

John laughed and nodded. “You know I’m a wanted man.” He said smiling and lifted Kaidan on to his bed.

“What if I want to do both?” Kaidan said and giggled when John put his weight on him.

“Why don’t you start with being my lover?” John leaned in to kiss the mage. Kaidan ripped off John’s cloth and licked his neck, chest and belly. Then hasty John had put himself into Kaidan and started to thrust. He was strong and driven. Kaidan moaned and grunted with the rhythm of John’s movement, hard and passionate. He had stared in John’s clear and blue eyes, saying how much he loved him, and then he saw the gold ring on the chain bouncing on his chest.

 


End file.
